Date Night
by Lord Candycane
Summary: It's Valentine's Day at South Park Elementary. Stan is fretting about how not to be a total dork in front of Wendy. Meanwhile, Butters has found himself a date with one of the most popular girls at school...or has he? In the mean time, a certain fat boy is out to ruin Date Night for everybody. Featuring special appearances from Coon and Friends (or just Friends).
1. Chapter 1

_So I've been watching South Park quite a bit recently, and as a result, a couple story ideas popped into my head. This is my first fanfiction on this site, so I hope I do well. Reviews are appreciated.  
_

 _BTW, this story is supposed to be set somewhere between Season 17-18._

* * *

 ** _Date Night  
_**

* * *

It was Wednesday at South Park Elementary School. Within the cafeteria room, several fourth grade boys were seated together to discuss the current buzz of the day.

"So which girl are you taking for Valentine's Day?" Clyde asked Token, who was seated next to him. "I was going to take Lisa. Show her my abs."

"I'm going with Nichole, same as usual," Token bluntly replied. "It's our first Valentine's Day, so I really want to impress her. I was thinking of getting her some chocolates. Don't know where, though."

Eric Cartman, who was seated parallel to Token, snarked, "Why don't you have her bite off a piece of you, then?"

"Shut up, tubby," Token retorted angrily, an annoyed look on his face.

"I'm going out with that Girl with Blonde Hair," Craig revealed nonchalantly _._

"Do you even know her name?" Kyle asked, raising an eyebrow.

Craig shrugged his shoulders, his face remaining expressionless. "Why's that important?" He asked.

Kyle couldn't tell if Craig was being serious or sarcastic with that question. Sometimes he wished Craig didn't always speak with that same, monotone voice of his. "Never mind," Was all Kyle said in response.

Clyde turned over to Stan, who was seated next to Kyle. "Hey dude, who're you going out with?" He asked curiously. "You're going with Wendy, right?"

The raven-haired boy wearing the red poof ball hat wasn't paying attention, though. He was staring off into space, his cheek resting on his hand. Kyle could see there was a nervous look on his face.

"Stan?" The kosher boy said to get his friend's attention.

"What?" Stan asked, suddenly snapping back to attention and turning to his friends. He had noticeable eye bags beneath his eyes.

It was then that Stan remembered the conversation he had just been having with his friends. "Oh yeah, I'm going with Wendy, who else," He said, rubbing his eyes. "I'm just. . . nervous."

"What's there to be nervous about, dude?" Cartman asked. "You and your ho just hold hands for the night and call each other pet names, then you go home and wash your mouth out to get rid of those gooey emotions."

"I know, but this is our first real Valentine's Day since we got back together," Stan said, still rubbing his red eyes. "I _cannot_ screw this up. If I do, I'll end up looking like a total dork in front of her."

"Don't worry, dude, you'll do just fine," Clyde reassured him. "I mean, you have had the longest-lasting relationship of any of us."

"Yeah, but when we go on our date, she'll probably want to kiss me," Stan pointed out. "And you know what happens whenever we try to kiss. . ."

There was silence among the boys. This silence was eventually broken when Cartman bluntly said, "Well, then you're screwed."

Stan sighed, and buried his face in his hands.

"Fellas!" A new voice sudden entered the table, snapping Stan out of his trance. He calmed down when he recognized who the voice belonged to, before sighing once more. Judging by the tone of little Butter's voice, the kid was definitely not in a good mood.

"Fellas?" The blonde boy said, rubbing his knuckles together. He looked even more nervous than Stan. "Did you guys know it was Valentine's Day today?"

The boys exchanged glances. "Yes Butters, we know it's Valentine's Day," Kyle said to him. "That's kind of been what nearly everyone's been talking about these past few days."

"Yeah, well I haven't found a girl who will spend the night with me!" Butters said, his eyes filled with worry.

"So what?" Kyle asked. "It's not that important."

"Yeah, except that everyone will think you're a faggot," Craig piped in.

Kyle shot a glare at him. "Not now, dude," He said through gritted teeth.

"I'm not worried about that," Butters said. "It's that if I don't have a date tonight, I'm gonna get grounded!"

Stan groaned. He liked Butters, but whenever the blonde got into one of his panicked modes, he was so hard to be around.

"Look, Butters," Stan said, trying to calm him down. "If it makes you feel better, you can join me and Wendy on our date tonight. That's what Tweek's doing with Craig and what's-her-name."

"Nah, I don't want to be a third wheel," Butters denied.

"Well, then you're screwed," Cartman said. Turning to Stan, he said, "Hey, at least you're not the only one, eh Stan?"

Stan grumbled and rolled his eyes.

"Man, tonight is gonna suck so hard," He mumbled under his breath.

* * *

"Tonight is gonna suck so hard."

"Why do you say that, Red?" Lola asked the popular, aptly-named redhead. She and Annie were standing with Red at her locker while the redhead was trying to organize her stuff.

"You know my boyfriend, Kevin?" Red said to the other girls. When they nodded, she continued, saying, "Well, he's telling me that he won't be able to make it for our date tonight. Something about a _Star Trek_ role-play or some shit."

"Oh yeah, that sucks, babe," Lola said sympathetically.

"And I had the whole thing planned out, too," Red continued to complain. "We were gonna help each other finish our homework, and then we were gonna play _Call of Duty -_ I was gonna use the flak jacket rank up - and then we were gonna watch a movie, and then we'd slow dance under a disco in the gym here at school."

Annie shrugged. "So much for that, I guess," She said. "If it makes you feel better, you could-"

"No Annie, I'm not gonna be a third wheel with you and hoodie boy," Red shut the blonde down before she could finish.

"Aw," Annie said, lowering her head.

Red's gaze wandered, and her eyes happened to land upon a familiar boy with blonde hair, walking down the hallway with a downhearted expression.

"Aw man, look you guys," Red whispered to Lola and Annie. "It's Butters."

Lola turned to Butters as he walked. "Yeah, what about him?" She asked. Red and Butters shared the same class; it wasn't unusual for the two to see each other.

"My mom wants me to do something nice for Butters," Red revealed to her girl friends. "She said the kid has issues and somehow, that means it's my responsibility to make him feel better."

"What issues?" Lola asked.

"Something about a ninja star and cross-dressing and getting the Kardashians killed," Red mumbled. "I think she said some other stuff, but I didn't catch it."

By now, Butters had nearly passed the girls, not even noticing their conversation. The girls watched him go, when Red called out, "Hey, Butters, come over here for a second."

Butters paused and turned around to face the girls, a confused look on his face as he noticed the trio. Why were they talking to him? They almost never spoke to him. In spite of his confusion, he walked over to the girls, wondering what they were planning to do.

Once he was within arm's reach, Red placed a hand on Butters' shoulder, a blank look on her face. She stared at him silently, as if thinking of what to say to him. Butters rubbed his knuckles together, waiting patiently.

Finally, Red opened her mouth and said, in a flat tone that could rival Craig's, "Butters, I think you're really cool and would be fun to hang out with."

Butters' eyes widened. "R-Really?" He said, shocked at what Red had just said.

"Yeah, whatever," Red replied, looking at her nails. "You can go now."

"Um. . . thanks," Butters said, smiling brightly. "See ya, Red!" With that, he walked off.

The moment he was gone, Red said, "Whelp, I've done my good deed for the day. Come on girls, let's go get a latte." With that, she shut her locker and she and her friends walked off, the incident slipping from their minds almost immediately.

* * *

 _Well, first chapters done. Hopefully I did okay. Once again, reviews are well appreciated.  
_


	2. Cartman Sucks (At Getting a Date)

_Well, this story has gotten quite a number of views already. More comments are still appreciated. For the ones who did review..._

 _FumaKilla: I'm sorry; I have no idea what you're saying. Word your sentences a little better next time._

 _Al Drin Hoshizora: I just started watching the show and decided to write a story around it. That's all there is to it._

* * *

"So, it's been agreed that everyone's gonna show up this evening for Date Night," Token explained to the Boys at their lockers shortly after the school bell rang, signalling the end of school. "Heidi Turner's setting it up. Everyone really wants to look their best when they show up."

"Why would everyone spend their Valentine's Day at school?" Cartman asked as he finished packing his things.

"So they can show off their dates to everyone else," Token said, shrugging his shoulders. "Nichole's gonna look the best tonight. Her parents bought her the prettiest dress, and I'm picking my best suit. What are you guys wearing?"

"Token, well, I don't really plan on coming," Stan muttered out, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

Token's face fell. "Really?" He asked, somewhat downhearted. "Why not? Everyone was looking forward to seeing you and Wendy here."

"Well, the thing is, I kind of want our Valentine's Day to be about Wendy," Stan explained to the other boys. "If I bring her to a place where literally everyone's just showing themselves' off to each other, she stands out less. Tonight should be special, for both of us."

Stan finished speaking, and noticed the looks the other boys were giving him. "Sorry if that sounds too mushy," He added.

"It really did, dude," Cartman replied.

"Shut up, fatass," Kyle said, defending Stan. "It's his choice how he wants to spend his Valentine's Day. For the record, me and Kenny aren't coming, either."

Cartman smirked. "What, did no girl want to go out with you two?" He taunted.

Kyle narrowed his eyes at his overweight 'friend'. "No, we're just too occupied this evening. Homework, and stuff like that. Kenny's coming over to my house so we can finish."

"Yeah, sure," Cartman replied, sarcasm barely hidden. Leaning in on Token, he whispered, "Bet you they're gonna make out at Kyle's house."

This time it was Kenny's turn to speak. "Shut the Hell up, Cartman," He said, but it came out muffled due to his parka.

Stan, not wanting to be apart of anymore bickering, quickly said, "I gotta go," and sprinted off, leaving his three friends to continue arguing.

"It's not like you're gonna show up for Date Night either," Kyle pointed out to Cartman. "Do you even _have_ a date?"

That simple question wiped the smirk off of Cartman's face. "Well, uh. . ." The overweight boy began to mutter. "Of course I do, you stupid jew! I had so many girls begging to have a piece of me!"

"So who'd you pick?" Token asked, out of curiosity.

Cartman opened his mouth to retort, but no words came out. Eventually, he just spouted out, "Screw you guys!" and promptly stormed off, slamming his locker door shut.

"Dumbass," Kyle whispered under his breath.

* * *

"Honestly, this week's been the most stressful of my life," Bebe was telling Wendy at her locker. "I thought I'd never find a boy to go out with me tonight. I'm lucky Douglas didn't have a girlfriend, or else I'd-"

"Hey girls!" Butters interrupted the two, causing both girls to snap their heads over to him, surprised at how quickly he had shown up.

"Oh, hey Butters," Wendy greeted politely. "What's going on."

"Um, you two are friends with Red, right?" Bebe asked the two of them, fidgeting with his hands slightly. He had a nervous expression on his face.

". . . Yeah," Bebe said, raising an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Do you happen to know what she likes?" Butters quickly blurted out to the two girls.

Wendy and Bebe exchanged glances with each other. Wendy decided to answer, saying, "She likes shoes, and boy bands, and _Call of Duty_. . . why were you interested?"

Butters paused for a moment, rubbing his knuckles together, before blurting out, "I think Red wants me to be her Valentine."

"You?!" Wendy and Bebe shouted in unison, surprised. Butters was the last boy (after Cartman, at least) that either of them expected Red would ask out. It wasn't as if Red _hated_ Butters, or anything, but he wasn't exactly her type, either. And Red already had a boyfriend.

"Today, Red called me over," Butters explained to the girls. "She told me that I was cool, and that she'd love to hang out with me."

"She did?" Bebe said, tilting her head in confusion. "Just like that? No reason?"

"I was pretty surprised, too," Butters replied. "To be honest, I thought she was just gonna ask me to do her homework, but that was actually really nice of her."

"Hey, look, here she comes," Wendy said, pointing over Butters' shoulder. The blonde turned around to see Red walking down the hallway, some of her friends trailing behind her.

"Hey Red!" Butters greeted her as she passed by, waving to her.

Red paused to stare at Butters, one eyebrow raised in confusion. After a few moments of silence, she waved back to him, then resumed walking.

Turning to Wendy and Bebe, Butters said excitedly, "She waved at me!"

Bebe glanced towards Butters, then to where Red had disappeared to. "I gotta go," The blonde girl said, then walked briskly down the hallway after Red.

"Well, I'll see ya, Wendy," Butters said, then turned and left as well, leaving Wendy by her locker.

Just at that moment, Stan turned up at Wendy's locker. "Hey Wendy," He said, a nervous tone in his voice.

"What is it, Stan?" Wendy asked, turning to face her boyfriend. "I don't have much time. School is over."

"It's nothing big, Wendy," Stan reassured his girlfriend. "It's just. . . for tonight, I wanted to take you somewhere special. Where would you want to go, this evening?"

Wendy's eyes widened. "Oh," She said. "That's. . . surprisingly thoughtful of you, Stan. I don't know exactly where I'd like to spend my Valentine's, but maybe somewhere romantic. A restaurant, perhaps?"

"A restaurant?" Stan said. "Definitely! I'll get us money to go to the greatest restaurant ever. We'll eat food, and talk, and maybe even. . . you know." He didn't want to say the word for fear of possibly puking right them and there.

"Alright, Stan," Wendy said, resting a hand on his shoulder and smiling to him. "I'll come to your house as soon as possible today. I want this to be the greatest Valentine's Day ever."

"Great!" Stan said, smiling outwardly. In his mind, though, he wasn't quite as positive.

 _If I don't screw things up, that is,_ Was what he was thinking. Already, he was trying to suppress the bile building up in his throat.

* * *

"Hey, why did Butters wave to you just now?" Millie asked Red as the girls prepared to leave school.

"I dunno," Red replied, shrugging her shoulders as she adjusted her backpack. "Probably a show of courtesy after I complimented him earlier today. I don't really plan on thinking too much on it."

As they were about to leave, Bebe ran up to the girls. "Hey Red," She said to her red-haired friend.

"Oh, hi Bebe," Red replied to the blonde. "What's going on?"

"Out of curiosity, who are you going out with tonight?" Bebe asked, twirling a strand of her long, frizzy hair.

Red's mood suddenly seemed to shift at the question. Her eyebrows furrowed, she said, "Well, it's not like I can go out with Kevin! The kid spends so much time focusing on his damned _Star Trek_ or _Star Wars_ or whatever, and he decided to put that before me on what's supposed to be our special day! I love the guy, but I swear, he can be such a dick!" With that, Red stormed out of school, leaving her girl friends behind.

". . . Huh," Bebe said, tilting her head. "Maybe she did decide to take Butters, if only just for tonight."

Before she could dwell on it further, the girls noticed Eric Cartman walk up to them.

"Hey, Bebe," Cartman said in an unusually polite tone.

"What do you want?" Bebe asked, narrowing her eyes at the almost universally despised 4th grade sociopath.

"Well, tonight, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out with me, tonight?" Cartman mumbled.

"What?!" Bebe shouted, horrified at the question. "No! That's disgusting!"

"Oh come on, Bebe, it's only for tonight," Cartman reassured her.

"No, get away from me!" Bebe snapped, backing away from him. Before Cartman could say anything else, she hurriedly left the school.

"Bitch," Cartman muttered under his breath. He turned to the other girls.

"So, what about you, Annie?" He asked.

"Sorry, I already have a date," the frizzy-haired blonde replied before leaving school as well.

Cartman groaned, then turned to Nelly. "You wanna be my date, then?" He asked.

"Ew, gross," Nelly denied, disgust clear in her voice. "Don't come near me, you fat fuck."

Cartman muttered a swear word under his breath, and walked over to Jenny Simon. "You, me, tonight?" He asked bluntly.

". . . You made me fracture my pelvis!" Jenny shouted at him. Clearly, she had not forgotten the 'Eavesdroppers' incident.

"Yeah, but that was so long ago. . ." Cartman started, but Jenny had already left by then.

"Dammit," The overweight boy said. This time, he ran over to Heidi Turner. Before he could even say anything, the brunette said, "Don't even think about it."

"Heidi, I have $20 in cash," Cartman said, trying to bribe the girl. "All of that can be yours if you just show up by my side this evening. Think of all the shoes you can buy."

"I'm already busy setting up this evening's Date Night," Heidi snapped at Cartman. "And even if I weren't, I would _never_ go out with your fat ass!" With that, she turned and stormed off.

Cartman froze for a moment. Finally, he called out, "At least I _have_ an ass, sow!"

Craig happened to pass by at that moment, his blonde date clinging to his arm. "What's wrong, Cartman?" He asked, his tone flat as usual, but with a smug edge to it. "Did no girl want to do it with your one inch long wiener?"

"Screw you, Craig!" Cartman shouted angrily. "It's 1.4. . . shut the Hell up!"

Mocking laughter arose from some of the nearby boys, and the other children scattered from the hallways, leaving a seething Cartman alone.

"Dammit, this sucks ass!" Cartman shouted, stamping his foot down. "Well, if I can't have a Valentine's today, I'll at least make sure you don't get to enjoy yours!"

The moment the words left his mouth, the school door creaked open, and Craig's head peaked inside the school.

"What did you say?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

". . . Nothing," Cartman quickly blurted out. Craig stared at Cartman suspiciously, then turned and left.

The moment Craig left, a grin appeared on Cartman's lips, and he began to rub his hands together mischievously.

Already, an idea had formed inside his head.

* * *

 _Read and review.  
_


	3. Preparations

_Let me respond to some of the new comments._

 _Kevin Stoley: It took me a while to understand what you were saying. I'll...think about it. With that said, Kevin's not exactly a major character in this._

 _Cell: What...no. I'm not going to make an incest story._

 _Al Drin Hoshizora: Isn't he ever._

* * *

It was 5:30 p.m.; only a half-hour before Valentine's Date Night officially started. All the kids were busy dressing up for their special evening with their respective dates.

Except for Red.

Lying on her blue-and-purple colored bed, the redhead was on her cellphone, an agitated expression on her face as she chatted with the person on the other end of the phone.

"I'm serious, Kevin!" She was shouting at her boyfriend. Her face was almost as red as her hair, which was wild and frizzy from her pulling on it. "I don't care how much you love _Star Trek_ , you do not just ditch me on our special evening!"

"I'm sorry, babe," Kevin apologized to her. "But our role-play was happening tonight, and the guys needed me to be there to be Spock."

" _I_ need you to be here!" Red screamed, slamming her fist down on her bed. "Do you have any idea how this is going to make me look if I, one of the most popular girls in 4th Grade, don't show up with a date for Date Night?!"

"Then don't show up," Kevin replied on the other end of the phone. "Look, Valentine's Day is every year. I'll be there for the next one; I promise."

Red's face lost its red color, and her face softened. "Please, Kevin," She pleaded. She no longer sounded angry; just sad. "I like you a lot, and it would mean a lot to me if you could just make it, just for this evening. For me? Please, baby."

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. Red was hoping Kevin would be sucked in by her sweet words, praying that she'd get a "Yes".

Instead, after what seemed like an eternity of silence, all she got was, "I'm sorry, Red." Then, the call ended.

Red sat still, frozen in bed. With a trembling hand, she moved the cellphone from her ear. She was breathing heavily, her eyes closed tight, trying to contain her anger and disappointment.

Alas, she could not.

"Dammit Kevin!" She shouted, nearly hurling her cellphone across the room. Whirling around, she began beating on her pillows with her fists to let off steam, angry tears streaming down her cheeks.

Her tantrum got the attention of her mother. "Red, dear?" She said, appearing at her door. "Is something wrong?"

"Kevin won't show up this evening," Red said, recollecting her emotions in order to speak clearly. Taking a deep breath, she said, "He has that stupid role-play to go to, and now I don't have anyone to hang out with this evening."

"Oh, baby, that's horrible," Her mother said, taking Red into her arms. "Are any of your girlfriends available to hang out with?"

"No, they all have dates," Red whined. "Besides, two girls hanging out on Valentine's Day? That's gay, mom."

"Well, are there any boys who would like to spend the evening with you?" Her mother asked.

"Well. . ." Red's mind became blank at that statement. The only boys who came to mind that weren't coming to Date Night were Kyle, Kenny, Butters, and fatass (she knew he had a name, but that was what she called him). Of the boys, Kyle and Kenny had actually been asked out a number of times, but turned them all down for some reason, and she wouldn't on her life spend so much as an _hour_ with the fatass, which left...

"Butters?" She spoke his name aloud.

"You mean your classmate?" Her mother said. "He's a nice boy."

"Well yeah, he is, but. . ." Red didn't know what to think. On one hand, she would never actually go on a date with Butters Stotch. She thought he was a cute kid; he just wasn't her type. On the other hand, though, she was in such a dour mood at being rejected for the evening, and Butters was the only kid who could possibly lighten her mood.

"Alright, I guess he'll do," Red mumbled. "We're not dating, though; I'll just hang with him for a couple hours."

"Aw, that's very nice of you, sweetie," Her mother cooed to her.

Red grumbled to herself. She knew she would have to miss out on Date Night now that she didn't have an actual date. But at the very least, she wouldn't be alone.

* * *

"How do I look?" Stan asked his parents as he stood on a stool in the bathroom, facing the mirror. The moment he had gotten home, he had bought Wendy's favorite chocolates from the local store, and then had spent the last hour or so fixing himself up for his date. He'd combed his hair, put on a black tuxedo, everything so that when Wendy arrived, she'd be impressed.

"You look like a real champ, son," His dad, Randy, said to him. "Wendy's gonna love it."

"Just remember, Stan," His mom, Sharon, whispered into his ear. "While you and Wendy are out for the evening, she's gonna want to kiss you. So, keep things slow at first. You talk with her, and then maybe slow dance with her for a bit, and when she leans in to kiss you, you just close your eyes and. . . just go for it."

Merely thinking of inevitably having to kiss Wendy was making Stan sick. He did his best to suppress the bile in his throat, but his anxiety was increasing each minute.

Noticing this, his sister, Shelley, said roughly, "You'd better not throw up on your girlfriend this evening, turd!"

"I-I won't," Stan reassured his family. Straightening his tie, he said, "I promise you, I'll make this Valentine's Day Wendy's best."

Suddenly, the family heard a ringing at the door. "Oh look, Wendy's here already," Randy said to Stan.

"She is?" Stan asked, surprised. "But it's a half-hour early." Quickly, he left the bathroom and hurried over to the door, not wanting to keep his girlfriend waiting.

However, when he swung open the door to greet Wendy, he was surprised to see it was not his girlfriend at the door.

". . . Cartman?" Stan said, surprised

"Well, will ya look at you, Stan," Cartman said, casually entering the house and passing Stan. "All dressed-up and ready for your date. I'm proud, man."

"Cartman, what the Hell are you doing here?" Stan asked, annoyed. "If you're gonna ask if you can join me and Wendy on our date, the answer is no, okay?"

"Oh please, I wouldn't want to ruin you and Wendy's special evening," Cartman replied. His tone was unusually kind, but Stan couldn't help but sense sarcasm.

Cartman happened to wander over to Stan's heart-shaped box, containing the chocolates for Wendy. Removing the lid, Cartman said, "Wow, these look really good, Stan. Where did you get them?"

"Cartman, those are for Wendy," Stan pointed out, fearing that his friend was going to eat them. "Get away from them."

"Relax, I'm just looking," Cartman reassured him. Stan tried to peak over Cartman's shoulder to see what he was doing, but Cartman's fat body blocked his view.

Eventually, Cartman put the lid back on and turned back to Stan. "Well Stan, I hope you enjoy your date with Wendy," He said to him. "Granted, I personally feel you could do _much_ better, but who am I to judge."

Stan furrowed his eyebrows. "Just. . . just get out of here, Cartman," He said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Wendy's gonna be here soon."

"Alright, see ya, Stan," Cartman said. Walking past the raven-haired boy, he exited the house, shutting the door behind him.

The moment he was gone, Stan quickly rushed over to the box of sweets and removed the lid, examining the chocolates. He was surprised to see that Cartman actually hadn't taken any of them; they looked totally untouched.

"Weird," Stan mumbled.

He didn't have much time to dwell on that, though, for only a few minutes later, Stan heard another ring at the door.

Wendy had arrived.

* * *

 _Read and review, as always.  
_


	4. And So It Begins

_While I see that a lot of people are reading this story, it would be encouraging to hear more people's thoughts on it. As always, comments are appreciated._

 _With that said, let's continue._

* * *

Red felt funny when she rang on the Stotches doorbell at 5:40 p.m., only twenty minutes away from Date Night. Usually, she'd been visiting her boyfriend, or one of her girlfriends, but today, of all days, she was visiting...Butters.

Red made a point of knowing the house numbers of every kid in her class, even those she had never gone to. After all, she was one of the "popular" girls; she never knew which kids' house she would end up visiting, so it helped to come prepared. But she definitely didn't think she'd ever be going to _Butters'_ house, of all places. At least, not without him inviting her first.

Red was so distracted by her own thoughts she barely noticed the door open. Looking up, she saw what she assumed was Butters' dad at the door.

"Yes?" Mr. Stotch said, before looking down and noticing the redhead at the door. "Oh, hello girl. Haven't seen you here before."

Red raised an eyebrow. "Does Butters live here?" She asked. She already knew the answer, but she didn't want to sound rude.

"Why yes he does, actually," Mr. Stotch said, smiling. "Hey, you must be Red. My son has been talking about you."

"Is that a fact?" Red said, tilting her head to the side slightly. She figured Butters' must have been elated at her "act of kindness" earlier that day. "Where is he?"

"He's up in the bathroom getting dressed," Mr. Stotch told her. "You can wait and-"

"Thank you," Red cut him off and immediately strode into the house, passing him by. Walking through the living room, Red stepped up the staircase to quickly find Butters.

She didn't have far to look. When she was halfway up the staircase, she could hear the unmistakable sound of Butters' singing coming from the bathroom.

"Lu lu lu, I've got some apples, lu lu lu, you've got some too. Lu lu lu. . ."

Without much of a care for privacy, Red peaked inside the bathroom. There, she saw Butters' standing on top of a stool facing the mirror, shirtless and with his pants down. The blond was totally oblivious to her presence, and was currently holding a purple object in his hand.

Red couldn't help but notice that Butters' had a cute bottom. She stared at it for a couple moments before deciding to make her presence known. "Butters?"

Immediately, Butters whirled in Red's direction, surprised. "Oh hamburgers!" He shouted upon seeing her, and nearly dropped the purple object onto the floor.

"You. . . you actually came?" Butters asked, blushing and quickly pulling his pants up, embarrassed at being seen half-naked by Red.

"Yeah, got nothing better to do," Red replied casually, flipping her hair back. "So I decided I'd hang out with you for the evening."

". . . Huh," Butters said, rubbing his knuckles together. "And here I was starting to doubt you'd show up."

Red didn't quite catch the latter half of Butters' statement. She just continued to stare at Butters blankly, wondering what they were going to do.

"Could you, uh, leave for a moment," Butters asked. "I'm kind of. . . in the middle of something."

"What's that purple thing?" Red asked, pointing to the purple object in Butters' hand.

"This?" Butters asked, holding up the object. "This. . . this is my suppository. I have to take it every now and then. Have to insert it in my. . . my anus." He sounded somewhat embarrassed to say it.

An amused smirk appeared on Red's lips. "I can help you with that," She said, striding into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

Butters seemed taken aback. "Aw shucks, y-you really don't need to," He said as Red approached him, not losing her smirk.

"No, I insist," Red said, now within arms length of him.

Still somewhat unsure, Butters finally said, "Uh, alright, if you say so." He handed the suppository over to Red, who took it in her right hand, and slowly turned around, pulling his pants down.

"Just slide it in quickly," He said, bending over and facing forward.

Red smiled bigger. "Sure thing, Butters," She said. Then, she extended her left hand forward towards Butters' bottom.

After a few seconds, Butters spoke.

"Hey, that doesn't feel like my suppository."

* * *

When Stan heard Wendy at the doorstep, he quickly readied himself for their date. He straightened his hair and loosened his tie, and approached the door.

 _This is it, Stan, don't fuck it up,_ He repeated in his mind over and over. Pausing at the door, Stan took a deep breath to prepare himself. Then, he opened the door.

To his relief, this time Wendy really was the one standing at the door. She was wearing her regular purple beret atop her head, but instead of her normal jacket, she was wearing a pretty purple dress for their date.

"Hey Wendy," Stan said, trying to sound calm and casual, though deep down, he was anything but.

"Hey Stan, are you ready for our date?" Wendy asked him, smiling brightly.

"Date? Uh, yes, of course I am," Stan replied, nearly tripping on his words. "I'm all set for our. . . date."

 _Fuck, that was horrible,_ He thought silently to himself. He began to pull on his collar nervously, beads of sweat dripping down his forehead.

"Are you alright, Stan?" Wendy asked, noticing the look of anxiety on her boyfriend's face.

Stan quickly tried to steer the conversation in a different direction. "I got us money to go to the Buca De Faggoncini," He said quickly, pulling the dollars out of his pocket. "I decided we'd go to an Italian restaurant for our date."

Wendy's face lit up. "I love that restaurant, Stan," She told him. "Thank you."

At that moment, she leaned in to give him a kiss. Quickly, Stan pressed his hands out to block her. "Let's, uh, wait until we're at the restaurant, alright?" He said.

Wendy frowned. "Okay, Stan," She said, her eyes trailing off, disappointed.

Seeing his girlfriend upset, Stan quickly said, "I got some chocolates for you. Want to try them?" He rushed off and took the chocolate box off of the table, heading back to Wendy and holding them out to her.

Wendy smiled slightly. "Thank you, Stan," She said, though her eyes still seemed distant. Reaching out, Wendy took some of the chocolates and popped them into her mouth.

"I'll eat the rest when we're at the restaurant," Wendy said to him. "For now, though, let's start our date." With that, she took Stan by the hand and led him out the house.

"Great, I'm totally on that," Stan said, still trying to hide his nervousness. Inwardly, he sighed.

This was going to be a long night.

* * *

"Well, that was exhilarating," Red said as she stepped out of the bathroom, having just finished washing her hands. "Wouldn't you say so, Butters?"

Slowly, Butters limped out of the bathroom after her, rubbing his bottom. "Owie. . . owie. . ." He whispered to himself, hobbling down the stairs. "I'm. . . gonna tell my parents we're. . . going out."

As Butters walked down the stairs, Red pulled her cellphone out and dialed Lola's number.

"Hey Red," Her friend said on the other end of the phone. "Me and Pete are just going to the school for Date Night. What are you doing?"

"Well, I touched a boy's ass," Red's replied proudly. "Now I know what to do when I try it with Kevin."

"Good for you, Red," Lola said sincerely. "Anyways, see you tomorrow. Hope you have a good evening." With that, the call ended.

Placing her phone back in her pocket, Red headed downstairs to rejoin Butters in the living room. The blond was standing with his parents, apparently having just finished a conversation with him.

Red walked up next to Butters. "Alright, Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, I'm going to be taking your son out for the evening," She said to them, placing a hand on Butters' shoulder.

"Alright, have fun you two," Butters' mother said to them. "Remember Butters, 11:00 at the latest, honey."

"Okay mom," Butters said, smiling. Red took him by the wrist, and the two headed out the door.

As they left, Mr. Stotch said, "Well honey, it looks like we won't have to ground him after all."

* * *

Heidi and Sally Turner stood at the doors to South Park Elementary, awaiting the arrival of all the couples. It was long after the staff had left, and it was only a few minutes before Date Night officially started, but the two girls couldn't seem to find anyone in sight.

"Dammit, I really hope everyone didn't decide to just bail," Heidi was complaining to Sally after having stood for nearly a half hour at the school waiting. "I worked really hard setting this all up. I even got Principal Victoria to lend me the school keys."

"Ah, don't worry, they'll show up eventually," Sally reassured her. "Shame I couldn't find a date myself. I asked Kyle, but he turned me down. Didn't even tell me why."

Heidi shrugged. "Same," She said, scratching her chin. "Weird."

Sally happened to glance towards the school gates, and she noticed three familiar figures showing up. "Hey, look Heidi, the couples are finally showing up."

"Oh thank God!" Heidi exclaimed. "I was beginning to think all my work had been for nothing."

Craig, Blondie and Tweek strode up to the school doors. "'Sup, bitches?" Craig said in his usual nasal tone, one arm around his date. "Where is everybody?"

"I've been asking the same question for thirty minutes," Heidi grumbled under her breath.

As soon as the words left her mouth, yet another couple showed up. "Hey guys, we made it!" Bebe exclaimed, waving to the others while holding hands with Douglas. "Did I miss anything?"

"Not much," Sally replied. "Just waiting for everyone else to arrive."

And soon enough, more did.

"Hey everybody," Clyde greeted as he led Lisa down the playground towards the front of the school. He was wearing a pink suit and jeans.

Craig raised an eyebrow at Clyde's attire. "Dude?" He asked. "What's up with the dress?"

"It was the only one I had," Clyde admitted quickly, looking to the ground in shame.

". . . Wait, why'd you have a pink suit in the first place?" Craig questioned.

Clyde made a quick glance at Bebe, then said, "We're just gonna go walk to the side." As he and Lisa stepped off towards the wall, he bumped into another couple.

"Token?!" He shouted, surprised to see his African-American friend and his date, Nichole, standing in the shadows.

Heidi whipped around to face the couple. "Token? Nichole?" She asked, surprised. "When did you guys show up?"

". . . We've been here the whole time," Token said, confused. "I thought you saw us."

Heidi's eyes widened. "Oh, uh, sorry," She mumbled out, fidgeting with her hands. "It was. . . dark outside."

Token narrowed his eyes, and let out a sigh. Nearby, Clyde started chuckling softly, trying to contain his laughter.

Token turned to Clyde. "Nice dress, Clyde," He said quickly. Immediately, Clyde shut up.

By now, all the other couples were beginning to arrive. Lola and Pete, Emily and Jason, Nelly and Francis. . . they were all there, with the exception of a select few.

Heidi smiled. "Finally, everyone is here," She said to herself.

"Is it 6:00 already?" Francis asked, stepping forward. "This has been the longest day of my life."

Heidi looked at her clock. "It's 5:59-" She paused for a moment, then looked up, grinning. "It's 6:00, everybody! It's officially Date Night!"

"'Bout freakin' time," Craig said, impatient. "Now open the damned door!"

Pulling out the school keys, Heidi quickly unlocked the doors. She had barely finished opening the doors when the crowd of children immediately burst through, nearly running her over, but Sally pulled her to the side.

"Okay everybody, have a fun evening!" She said to the couples, though they scarcely noticed. They were too preoccupied with their own business.

Date Night had officially begun.

* * *

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	5. An Unlikely Pair

_Just a side-note: if you're going to write a comment, make sure it actually has to do with the story. Several of these comments thus far have nothing to do with the plot. Just a tip._

* * *

Stan was hoping Wendy wasn't feeling the sweat dripping from his body as they held hands together, walking down the sidewalk. They had scarcely started their date, and already Stan knew they were off to a terrible start.

He'd made an awful first impression on Wendy. He only hoped his girlfriend would be able to let it slide for now, but if he continued on like this, he was screwed. Thus, he decided to try and strike up a conversation that wouldn't sound awkward.

"So, Wendy, it's great that I get to spend the night with you," He said, trying not to fumble with his words. "Just the two of us. Together. With no one else to ruin things. . ."

"I'm glad, Stan," Wendy replied, not facing him. "I feel like we haven't been spending enough time together these past few weeks. I know tonight will be special."

"Yeah. . ." Stan said, nodding his head in agreement. He was going to follow up that statement, but nothing in particular came to mind, so he just decided to simply shut up until they reached the restaurant.

As they continued walking, Stan happened to notice two other kids walking down the opposite sidewalk together. They were mostly concealed in darkness, so Stan couldn't get a very good look at them. He was about to simply turn his head and ignore them until the two kids stepped under a street light, and he got a good look at them.

Once he saw them, Stan's jaw dropped and he stopped walking, inadvertently causing Wendy to stop as well.

"The fuck?" He whispered in disbelief.

"Stan, what is it?" Wendy asked, turning her head in his direction.

When she saw who he was staring at, her face went blank with utter shock as well.

* * *

"So Red, what are we gonna be doing tonight?" Butters asked his "date" as they walked down the opposite end of the sidewalk together. Red walked in front of Butters, striding casually down the street, while Butters followed close behind her, almost like a dog.

"Well Butters, I was wondering if you could maybe finish my homework for me," Red suggested, staring at her nails. "I got most of it done, so it shouldn't be too much a hassle."

"Sure thing, Red!" Butters said obediently.

"Honestly, our teacher can be such a bore," Red complained to Butters. "He's always giving us way too much homework. He can be such a pain in the ass."

Butters frowned. "Please don't say things like that," He muttered, still remembering the incident in the bathroom less than ten minutes ago.

At that moment, Red turned her head and stopped walking. "Hey look, it's Wendy and Stan," She said, pointing across the street. Butters turned to look where she was pointing and indeed, the couple was standing on the opposite side of the street. It appeared the other couple had noticed them, too, as Stan and Wendy were staring at them, a stunned expression on their face.

Red didn't seem to notice their expression, though, as she said, "We should go and greet them. Come, Butters." She walked down the street, gesturing for Butters to join her.

Reaching the other side of the street, Red walked over to Stan and Wendy. "Hey, you two," She greeted, smiling. "Are you two enjoying your date?" As she spoke, Butters joined her by her side and held her hand.

Stan and Wendy stared silently at the two, at a loss for words.

"We're, uh, we're doing, um, fine," Wendy replied, staring at Red and Butters' interlocked hands. "Red, why are. . ."

"Why am I with Butters?" Red guessed. "Well, I just figured he was the best option for tonight."

"Yeah, I was her best option for tonight," Butters mindlessly repeated, squeezing Red's hand.

". . . Butters?" Stan asked. He was aware that Kevin couldn't make it for Date Night, but Red was a pretty popular girl. He was sure she could have had any other boy to date for tonight, and of all of the, she picked _Butters_? He didn't want to sound rude, though, so he just kept it to himself.

"Well anyways, we have places to go," Red said. "Butters and I are gonna be going to my house. Do some work."

Stan and Wendy blinked a few times, trying to snap out of their shocked state. Eventually, Stan said, "Okay, you two, we're going to the local restaurant for the night. You two. . . enjoy your evening." With that, he and Wendy turned and walked down the street, still trying to comprehend what they had just seen and heard.

The moment they left, Red said, "Butters, why are you holding my hand?"

Butters blinked. "Oh, sorry," He said, releasing her hand from his grip. "Enjoy personal space? I got nothing against that."

"Let's just go to my house," Red mumbled, and the two continued on to their house.

* * *

At the Cartman household, Liane was just finishing dinner when she heard a knock on her door. Quickly, she rushed over to answer it.

Opening the door, Liane looked down to see two familiar children standing at the door. "Why hello, you two," She said sweetly. "What are you here for?"

". . . Where's Eric?" Kyle asked bluntly. His tone was dead serious, and his eyebrows were furrowed.

"Oh, Eric's not here," Liane replied. "He said he had to go out for the evening. Sorry about that." With that, she shut the door.

Kyle turned to Kenny. "Goddammit," He growled in frustration. "I knew fatass couldn't leave well enough alone. Come on Kenny, let's go find him."

As they started walking down the street, Kenny said, "Do we _have_ to do this? I really wanted to get some tonight, and Sally was available."

"Kenny, we've been over this," Kyle replied. "We both agreed to keep an eye on the fatass this evening. We shouldn't have waited so long, though. I'm going to give him a call right now."

Whipping out his cellphone, Kyle dialed Cartman's number in the phone. He tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for his frenemy to pick up.

After about three rings of the phone, Kyle finally heard the sound of Cartman picking up. "Hello?"

"Where the hell are you, fatass?" Kyle asked, disdain clear in his voice.

"Oh, it's you," Cartman said on the other end of the phone, a disappointed tone in his voice. "What do you want, jew?"

"I want to know where you are," Kyle replied, annoyed. "I was just at your house, and you weren't there."

"I'm going out for the evening," Cartman said bluntly.

"Out?" Kyle asked. "Out where? I don't have all evening."

". . . Kyle, are you planning to ask me out?" Cartman suddenly asked.

Kyle paused for a moment, his face turning blank. "What did you just-"

"Because if you are, I'm sorry, but I'm busy," Cartman interrupted. "I got stuff to attend to."

Kyle's cheeks began to turn red with anger. "What the hell could be so important to get your fat ass out of the house so late!" He shouted in the phone. "Cartman, are you going to the school? You'd _better_ not be going to the school!"

"I'm sorry, Kyle, I'm not reading you," Cartman said, his voice laced with sarcasm. "My cellphone's dying. I think I'm losing transmission."

"I'm _warning_ you, Cartman, you'd _better_ not fuck up everyone's Date Night!" Kyle growled into the phone. "Because if you do, I swear to God I'll-"

Kyle was cut off when he heard a dial tone on the other end of the phone, signaling that Cartman had ended the call.

Kenny walked up to Kyle. "That call didn't go so well, did it?" He asked.

Kyle was shaking with anger, his fingers clenching around his phone. It took him a few seconds to compose himself. When he did, he slowly placed his cellphone back into his jacket pocket, took a deep breath, then turned to face Kyle.

"We're going to the school," Was all he said.

* * *

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	6. It Comes at Night

_Okay, Al Drin Hoshizora, seriously: calm down. Just focus on the story._

* * *

"I can't believe Butters actually got Red to go out with him," Stan had been rambling to Wendy as they continued their walk to the Buca De Faggoncini. "I mean, I know Kevin couldn't make it, but-"

"Stan, don't be rude," Wendy chastised him, tightening her grip on his hand. "It's Red's choice if she wants to date him. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah, but. . . to just totally betray her _actual_ boyfriend like that?" Stan replied. "I thought Red and Kevin were tighter than that."

"Maybe they're just going through a rough patch," Wendy suggested to him. "Red did seem pretty hurt at school today. Kevin not showing up for Valentine's Day really hit her hard."

"Yeah. . ." Stan said, letting his eyes wander. It was then that he noticed that they had finally reached the Buca De Faggoncini.

"Wendy, we're here!" He said, relieved. "Come on. Now we can actually start our date."

Before the two could take a step further though, Wendy suddenly groaned and placed a hand on her stomach. She bent over slightly, her eyes and mouth shut tightly.

"W-Wendy?" Stan asked, concerned. He rushed to his girlfriend's aid, placing both hands on her shoulders. "Are you alright?"

"I'm. . ." Wendy whispered, before suddenly releasing a breath of air and straightening up. "I'm fine. I guess I'm just feeling butterflies, that's all."

Immediately, Stan eased up. "Oh thank God," He said, relieved. Taking his date's hands in his own, he then led her to the restaurant so they could finally begin their date.

* * *

When Red and Butters arrived at the former's house, the blonde immediately went to work finishing up the rest of Red's homework. It wasn't that difficult; Butters may have been rather gullible, but schoolwork definitely wasn't something he struggled with.

After several minutes, Butters spun around to Red, who had been resting in her bed, and held up her notes. "Finished!"

Red sprang up from her bed, ecstatic. "Great job, Butters!" She complimented him, jumping out of bed. "You're a life saver!"

Butters suddenly began to feel butterflies rising in his stomach as Red approached him slowly. Her arms were folded behind her back and there was an odd grin on her face as she began to get rather close to him.

"As thanks for completing my homework, I have a gift for you," She whispered, leaning in close to him.

Butters' eyes widened in shock. _Oh gee wiz,_ He thought. _She's gonna kiss me!_

Panicking slightly, Butters fumbled with what he should do. He figured that it was inevitable that she'd try to kiss him; they were on a date, after all. But now that it was finally here, his mind was blank at what to do.

Eventually, Butters just closed his eyes and waited for Red's lips to press against his own.

"Here it comes," Red said to him.

But instead of a kiss, Butters felt Red place something into his hand. Opening his eyes in confusion, the boy looked down to see a $20 bill in his right hand.

"I always keep some cash in my pocket for situations like this," Red explained to him nonchalantly, shrugging. "Be sure to use that money wisely, Butters."

The blonde's shoulders slumped in disappointment. "Um, Red, was there something _else_ you wanted to give me?" He asked as he placed the money into his pocket.

Red raised an eyebrow in confusion. ". . . Are you asking me to place you higher on our "Cutest Boys" list?" She guessed randomly. "Because if you are, I'd like to inform you we tossed that list away a long time ago."

Butters let out a small sigh. _Maybe I'm rushing things with her,_ He thought to himself. _It is our first date, after all._

"Maybe we could just go outside and spend time with each other," He said to Red. "Just enjoy the night, you know."

Red stroked her chin. "Yeah, that sounds nice," She said after mulling it over. "We got a good few hours left. Come on." Taking Butters by the wrist, the redhead led the blonde out of her room and soon, out of the house.

* * *

When Cartman arrived at South Park Elementary, the doors were wide open. Apparently the other children hadn't bothered to close them when they arrived. _Idiots._

If Cartman's calculations were correct, the other children would be in the gym dancing by now. Perfect time to slip in and out before any else noticed he was even there.

Luckily for Cartman it appeared his calculations were correct. When he entered the school hallway, the place seemed totally vacant. The lights were off and there was almost no sign of anyone else there. In the distance, though, Cartman could vaguely make out a music song coming from the gym, so he knew the other students were there.

With that insight, Cartman strolled through the school hallways until he reached the place he was looking for: the cafeteria.

Clyde had informed him the other day that the kids were keeping their Valentine's Day gifts in the cafeteria for when they got back from the gym. He'd also told him that nearly all of these gifts were simply sweets of some kind. It appeared none of the kids could come up with anything special for their dates on Valentine's Day.

Luckily for Cartman, Clyde was right. In the cafeteria, all of the sweets were carefully placed on the tables throughout the room. There were also notes next to each of them with the name of the person the gifts were for.

Cartman grinned to himself. Double checking to make sure nobody else was watching him, he quickly slipped into the cafeteria.

Passing by each table counter, Cartman added his own little "ingredient" to each person's Valentine's Day gift. Depending on who the gift was for, Cartman added extra "flavor" to the sweets. Craig's chocolates, in particular, got a large dose of Cartman's added ingredients.

After about a minute or so, Cartman was finished. He surveyed what he had done, smirked to himself once more, and turned to quickly leave.

As he rushed out of the cafeteria, Cartman briefly recalled the phone call Kyle had given him several minutes prior to his arrival. It then occurred to him that the stupid Jew was probably on his way over to the school right at this instant.

 _Oh shit,_ He thought to himself. _I don't have much time. I really have to-_

He was interrupted from his thoughts when he suddenly rammed into someone in the dark hallways.

 _Oh shit!_ He thought to himself, this time even more panicked then before. For a moment, he thought it was none other than Kyle himself, but when he actually got a good look at the other person, he saw that it was not the case. Not that it made the situation any better.

"What the Hell are you doing here, Cartman?" Craig asked him in the dark hallways. His tone was flat as usual, but there was a suspicious edge to it. His arm was wrapped around Blondie's shoulder.

"Hey Craig," Cartman said, trying to sound casual. "What are you two doing out in the hallways? I thought everyone was in the gym."

"Eh, Blondie here needed to use the bathroom for a moment," Craig said, motioning to his girlfriend, who indeed was slightly bent over, clutching her stomach. "Just a stomachache."

"Yeah, you'll probably share the feeling soon," Cartman muttered under his breath.

"What did you just say?" Craig asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Nothing," Cartman quickly denied.

Craig glared at him. "Why are you here?" He asked. "I thought you didn't have a date."

"Well Craig, I heard that you guys had some delicious sweets in the cafeteria," Cartman explained to him. "So, I probably figured that while you were dancing in the gym, I'd just go in and maybe try some."

"Did you?" Blondie asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Unfortunately, you got me before I could," Cartman said casually. "As you can see on my mouth and hands, there are no chocolates. So there. You got me. I guess I'll be going."

"Jeez Cartman, you couldn't just get some chocolates from the mall or something?" Craig asked him, annoyed. "You had to come here and steal someone else's gifts? I know you're a pig, but still."

Cartman narrowed his eyebrows. "Oh yeah?" He asked. "Well, you know what?"

Craig remained silent, waiting for Cartman's retort.

". . . Fuck you," Cartman finally said after a pause. Before Craig could reply, Cartman shoved past him and stormed off to leave the school.

"What a strange boy," Blondie said as the two watched him leave.

"Ah, who cares?" Craig said, waving him off. "Let's just go to the bathroom and get this over with. Tweak's gonna have a panic attack if we leave him alone in that crowd for too long."

* * *

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	7. Things Get Tense

_Alright, from now on, any reviews that merely insult another reader are going to get deleted. Just want to make that clear before I continue._

 _With that said, let's move on._

* * *

"Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentico experience Italiano," A waiter said to Stan and Wendy once the two had found their seats at the Italian restaurant. "My name is Roma. Can I start you out with some lotsa pasta macaroni minis?"

"Uh, we'll go with the pasta," Stan said nonchalantly, though he wasn't really paying attention to the menu at hand. Instead, his eyes were on Wendy.

She really looked beautiful in her dress. And her lips. . . a part of him really did want to kiss her during their date. But if that happened, there was a high chance that he'd throw up on her, and the last thing he wanted was to ruin him and Wendy's special day.

"Stan, could you pass the chocolates, please?" Wendy asked him, snapping Stan out of his thoughts.

"Oh, here they are, Wendy," He said, sliding the box over to the other side of the table towards Wendy. The noirette immediately started popping the chocolates into her mouth.

"I'm so happy you decided to bring me to this restaurant, Stan," Wendy said once she had finished eating the chocolates. "I feel we should be spending more time together, you and I, just enjoying each others company."

"Yeah," Stan agreed, forcing a smile.

"So Stan, what do you plan on us doing for our date?" Wendy asked.

That caused Stan to freeze up for a bit. _Oh shit,_ he thought to himself as he realized that he hadn't truly thought of much of anything to do with Wendy while they were at the restaurant.

"Um. . . what do _you_ think we should do?" He asked after a moment's silence.

"How about a kiss?" Wendy asked, her voice suddenly taking on a sultry tone. It was then that she began to lean herself over the table (or at least as far as a ten year old girl could go) towards Stan, her lips puckered up.

Stan's eyes widened and he immediately felt the bile beginning to crawl up his throat. Without thinking clearly, he stuck his arms out towards Wendy to slightly push her back.

"No!" He shouted quickly. He then paused as he saw Wendy's horrified expression at being so bluntly rejected.

"I mean, not right now," He said, catching himself and hoping to ease Wendy's disappointment. "Our date has barely even started. Let's save the kissing for the end."

Wendy furrowed her eyebrows for a few seconds, and Stan was worried she was going to just walk out on him right then and there. However, then she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and said, "Okay Stan."

Stan secretly let out a sigh, relieved that Wendy had bought his excuse. He just hoped nothing else would go wrong throughout the rest of their date.

* * *

At South Park Elementary, the young couples had finished their dancing in the gym, and were currently heading to the cafeteria to get their gifts from their dates.

"Man, this evening has been wonderful with you, Douglas," Bebe was telling her date. "Especially with no Cartman around to muck it up. Stan and Wendy don't know what they're missing-"

The couples were distracted, however, when Kyle suddenly arrived down the hallway, a panicked, yet also annoyed, expression on his face. Kenny was trailing a good distance behind him.

"Kyle, what are you doing here?" Bebe asked him, confused. "Everyone here already has dates. Unless you're going with Kenny."

"What? No!" Kyle quickly denied, his face going red. "I just wanted to ask if Cartman was here?"

"Cartman?" Craig asked, walking up to the front of the crowd. "Oh, he just left."

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "He was here?" He asked for clarification. When Craig nodded, Kyle subsequently asked, "What did he do?"

"He said he was going to eat some of our sweets in the cafeteria," Craig explained to him. "But we got to him before he could. He's gone now."

"He's such a fat pig," Bebe muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Oh?" Kyle asked, still a little suspicious. "Do you know where he went?"

"No, but I think he might be heading home-"

"Come on, Kenny, let's go!" Kyle interrupted, before turning to leave. Kenny was about to follow him, but the two were stopped by Sally and Heidi.

"Hey Kyle, Kenny, since you're already here, maybe you'd like to spend the evening with us?" Heidi requested, a hopeful smile on her face.

Kyle blushed slightly. "No thanks, I got other things to do, sorry," He declined. He then turned to exit the school. Kenny turned back towards the girls, gave a shrugged, then followed suite.

"Awww," Heidi moaned softly, lamenting her rejection.

* * *

Outside a nearby park, Butters and Red were walking side by side with each other down the sidewalk. Currently, Butters was reciting a story he had told his friends a short time ago towards Red.

"So then, ah, the fella with the mustache eats all the cupcakes, and the lady takes out a gun and she says. . ." He was blabbering on, unaware that Red wasn't really paying attention to his rambling. Instead, the redhead was staring off into space silently, reminiscing to herself.

"I remember when me and Kevin would walk together," She said, causing Butters to stop talking. "He was my closest friend. If I couldn't hang out with my girlfriends, he'd always be there for me. It's such a shame he couldn't be there for me now." She hung her head sadly, her eyes staring at the ground.

Red then felt Butters' hand on her shoulder. "Oh don't be sad, Red," The blonde said as he comforted her. "I know it can be sad when people leave you, but I say that you should just love life regardless. Take the bad with the good, so to speak. That's kind of how I get through life."

Red turned to stare at Butters, her face no longer sad, but instead looking neutral. Nevertheless, Butters went on.

"I know it can be rough, but you're never alone," Butters said to her. "There's always gonna be someone out there for you, like how I'm here for you."

After a few seconds, Red's face brightened, and she smiled. Suddenly, she had wrapped her arms around the blonde in a tight embrace.

"Thank you, Butters," She said as she squeezed him in her arms. "I needed that."

"Well gosh Red, your welcome," Butters said as he excitedly returned the hug, pressing his face into Red's hair.

After releasing each other, Red turned to the park and said, "That's the park where me and Kevin used to hang out, Butters. Let's go to the swings!" With that, she took Butters by the hand and led the blonde boy into the park.

* * *

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	8. Disconnected

_Wow, it's been a while since I updated this. Sorry for the delay, people._

* * *

After Kyle and Kenny's (brief) visit to South Park Elementary, the other young couples had gathered in the cafeteria to get their gifts, presented by their dates.

Token and Nichole were chatting excessively with one another as they exchanged their sweets, lost in each other's gaze. However, the other couples weren't exactly sharing their passion.

"So Bebe, was there anything special you had planned for us today?" Douglas asked his date, inching close towards her. However, the blonde was currently glued to her cellphone, texting a friend while remaining oblivious to her "boyfriend's" presence.

When Douglas gave his "girlfriend" a light nudge, Bebe finally turned to him. "Give me a minute, Doug; I'm just giving a text to my friend," She said, sounding somewhat annoyed.

"I know," Douglas replied, trying not to blow his chances with Bebe. "It's just, you've been texting for twenty minutes now. . ."

Bebe responded by landing a kiss on his cheek. "And when I'm done, the rest of the evening will be just you and me, okay?" She said, before turning back to her text.

Douglas forced a smile, then sighed and looked to the ground.

Not far away, Clyde and Craig were talking with one another. "Is it just me, or do these chocolates taste like shit?" Craig asked as he examined one of his date's offered sweets. "Damn it, I hope Blondie didn't buy these at some cheap store."

"Oh come on, Craig, you can't diss your girlfriend's gift," Clyde replied. "Just pretend that you like it."

Next to him, Lisa tugged on Clyde's hand and said, "Clyde, aren't you going to compliment _my_ gift?" She asked, somewhat vindictively.

"In a moment, babe," Clyde said, waving her off. "I'm talking to my friend."

This caused Lisa to grumble and pout.

Standing near the cafeteria door, Heidi and Sally watched on in mild interest. "Is it just me, or does everyone seem kind of. . . disconnected?" Sally whispered to her friend.

Heidi shrugged. "If I knew this night was gonna be this dull, I wouldn't have even bothered setting everything up," She replied, disappointed. "At the very least, I hope Wendy is having a better night than us."

* * *

Wendy sat in her seat gloomily, her head resting against the palm of her hand and her empty eyes trailing off to the side.

Stan had barely said a word to her throughout their date. He was either awkwardly poking at their food, or pulling on his tie nervously. He also seemed to be intentionally facing away from her, not gazing in her general direction.

This wasn't how Wendy thought dates were supposed to go. They were supposed to be romantic, not dull and joyless.

"Stan?" She said after an uncomfortable silence.

Stan finally turned to her general direction. "Yes?" He asked, his face blank.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" Wendy asked, an eyebrow raised.

Stan gulped, and immediately replied, "Yes, of course I am, Wendy. How could I not be?"

Wendy leaned in close to Stan. "You seem kind of. . . distracted," She pointed out to him, squinting her eyes. "Is something wrong?"

Stan felt a prickly feeling crawling up his spine as he stared into Wendy's eyes. She looked curious, and at the same time upset and insecure, which was the last thing he wanted Wendy to be feeling at this very moment.

When he didn't give a response, Wendy asked, "Am I doing something wrong, Stan?"

"No!" Stan denied.

"Then why do you seem so unhappy with me?" Wendy questioned him, her eyebrows becoming furrowed. "You've hardly touched your food, and you've barely said a word to me since we got here. What's up?"

Stan began pulling on the collar nervously. "Well Wendy, I, uh. . ." His voice trailed off when he found himself at a loss for words.

Wendy's stern face gradually subsided, and was replaced with a softer expression. "Stan, if something is troubling you, you can talk to me," She said to him. "The last thing I want is for you to be upset on our special night. I'm here for you, Stan."

Hearing Wendy's kind words made Stan smile genuinely, perhaps for the first time since they'd arrived. However, his brief smile vanished quickly, and he let out a sigh.

"Wendy, all I want is for you to be happy," He told her. "I'll do anything you ask if it'll make you feel better."

Wendy's eyes lit up, and a smile appeared on her lips. "How about something romantic," She suggested to him. "Such as. . ."

It was then that Wendy slowly slipped out of her seat and started to approach Stan's side of the table. Unconsciously, Stan did the same, walking towards his date, fully aware of what Wendy wanted.

A kiss.

Even as he approached her, he was still nervous. Nervous that he'd mess up and humiliate himself in front of Wendy and everyone else at the restaurant. However, he urged himself not to chicken out this time. _Do it for Wendy,_ he repeated to himself.

Eventually, when the two were within arms length of each other, they slowed to a stop, their eyes locked. They remained in each other's gaze for a few moments as they waited in anticipation.

Then, Wendy leaned in towards Stan, her eyes closed and her lips puckered. For a few seconds, Stan could feel the bile rising up in his throat, but he forced himself to swallow it.

 _Not tonight,_ he thought to himself.

Stan shut his eyes and mustered up the courage to follow Wendy's actions, leaning in close so that their lips would finally meet. With each passing second, Stan could feel his revulsion rising, but he kept it at bay. _Do it for Wendy._

Even with his eyes closed, Stan could feel like he was mere seconds away from kissing Wendy, and a shimmer of hope welled up in his stomach as the thought occurred to him that, perhaps, he wouldn't screw up. He would actually kiss her.

And then, just as the thought crossed his mind, Stan heard Wendy start to retch before him. His eyes opened up in confusion.

"W-Wendy-"

Stan didn't get to say another word. Before he could, Stan felt a rain of vomit get projected right into his face.

For a few seconds, Stan stood silent, feeling the barf dripping from his face. Immediately, the entire restaurant went silent, all eyes on the two 4th graders.

It took a few seconds for Stan to realize that it was not him who had vomited, but Wendy.

Wendy had thrown up on Stan right when they had been about to kiss.

Wiping the vomit from his eyes, Stan stared into Wendy, and saw a look of absolute horror on her face. Her hands covered her mouth and her eyes were wide with terror and humiliation.

"Wendy?" Stan whispered, his eyes locking with Wendy's.

Before he could say anything else, Wendy unexpectedly tore out of the restaurant, leaving Stan alone at the table, bile still clinging to his skin and clothing.

* * *

"Push me harder, Butters!" Red encouraged the blond as she swung on the swings at the park.

"Whatever you say, lady!" Butters replied, giving the redhead a hard push on the swings. Red swung in the air, letting her legs fly out before rebounding back towards Butters.

As Red came to a stop at the swings, she expected Butters to give her another push. Instead, the blond rested his hands on her shoulders and pressed his face against the back of her head. She was confused for a moment, but it felt pretty good, so she let it slide.

"Thank you for spending the evening with me, Red," Butters said to her as he began to hug her. "I didn't think a girl like you would ever want to go out with a boy like me. . ."

As Butters was speaking, Red's gaze wandered to the sidewalk, and she noticed a small figure approaching the park. He was obscured by darkness, but Red couldn't help but feel as if she recognized him. Slowly, she got off the swings to get a closer look.

Butters, oblivious to the fact that Red was no longer listening to him, continued on. "So Red, since we're, you know, dating now, I was wondering if, maybe, we could kiss a little?"

The figure got closer, and Red noticed that he seemed to be actively approaching her. She also saw a bouquet of flowers in his hands. As he approached, he stepped out of the light, allowing Red to see his face.

 _No way,_ she thought to herself.

Standing next to her, Butters closed his eyes and leaned in close to plant a small kiss on Red's cheek. Just before he did, however, the new boy finally arrived.

It was Kevin.

"Hey Red, so I was thinking back to our conversation earlier, and I decided to leave the role-play early," He said. "We can go on our date, now."

Butters froze, his lips mere inches from Red's cheeks. His eyes went wide as he stared at Kevin, then at Red, then back to Kevin.

Red was silent, her eyes on Kevin. "R-Really?" She said, in shock. "You. . . you decided to go on our date after all?"

"Huh?" Butters asked, utterly dumbstruck.

Kevin ignored Butters. "Yeah Red, I couldn't just leave you unhappy on Valentine's Day," He said, rubbing the back of his head. "Here, I bought these." He handed the flowers to Red, who took them in her hands and smelled them.

"Roses, my favorites," Red whispered. A bright smile shown on her face, and she strode over to Kevin and took his hand in her own. "Come on, babe, let's get to the school before everyone else leaves." With that, the two started to head off.

Butters simply stood, at a loss for words, at the swings. Eventually, he found his tongue and called out, "Red, wait!"

Red froze, remembering that Butters was there, and turned around to face him.

The blond rushed up to her and Kevin. "Red, I don't understand!" He sputtered, panicking. "I thought you were dating _me_!"

"What?" Red asked, her eyes going wide with shock. "What do you-" She froze as she began to recall the events of the day, particularly Butters' odd behavior around her. Her eyes widened as realization set in.

"Oh dear," She said, face-palming herself.

"I don't get it," Kevin said, his hand still intertwined with Red's.

Red faced a confused Butters. "Look Butters, we were never 'dating'," She explained to him. "Kevin here was going to miss our date, and since none of my friends were available, I decided to just hang out with you for the evening. That was it; it was nothing more than that."

Butters was still dumbstruck. "But. . . at school. . . you said I was cool. . ."

"Mom wanted me to do something nice for you," Red said bluntly.

Butters' felt his knees buckle, and his shoulders slumped. "B-But Red, I. . . I love-"

"Look Butters, you're a nice kid, but we could never be together," Red cut him off. "We're just too different. I'm sorry."

Butters went silent and began to shrink down. His lower lip quivered slightly.

Red turned away from Butters, unwilling to see him so unhappy. "Come on, Kevin, let's go." She tugged on Kevin's arm, and the two began to walk side-by-side towards South Park Elementary.

"W-Wait!" Butters called out to the two. "You can't leave, Red! We were having such a good time together! You can't just go! My parents will ground me if they find out-"

But Red and Kevin kept on walking, until eventually, they had vanished into the darkness, leaving Butters alone at the park. Eventually, the blond boy slumped his shoulders and hung his head in defeat.

"Oh hamburgers."

* * *

 _Read and review._


	9. Disaster Strikes

_Saladass: Thanks._

 _Sir Weston: Apologies for the late update. A lot was happening that kept me too occupied to update sooner._

 _Guest: Wrong story, mate._

* * *

"Oh gosh," Tweek groaned, clutching his aching stomach, his head lowered. His eyes were heavy-lidded, his mouth was hanging open, and his skin was turning pale.

Noticing Tweek's appearance, Token asked, "Hey, what's wrong with you?"

"I don't feel. . . so good," Tweek grumbled, his cheeks starting to turn red and his shoulders trembling. He started breathing heavily, feeling as if his chest was going to burst.

Sitting next to him, Craig shrugged. "Can't say I blame him," He assumed, holding up one of the chocolates in his hand. "These chocolates taste like shit. I knew I shouldn't have trusted Blondie with this."

"Hey!" Blondie snapped at Craig, staring at him with an offended glare. "I did the best I could! I bought the best chocolates I could find."

"Well I guess you weren't looking hard enough," Craig grumbled at her. "I swear, girls can be so bimbos. . ."

"Excuse me!" Blondie snapped at him.

As the "couple" began to bicker with one another, Tweek began to cough violently. He felt as if his stomach was going to tear open, and his blood was boiling hot. His heart pounding in his chest, he turned to Craig.

"Craig, I think I need to go!" He said, his heart thumping.

Craig, however, wasn't even listening to him. "I don't know why you're acting like this is my fault!" He was venting towards Blondie. "You're the one who doesn't have the sense to buy gifts at the right store! What is wrong with you?!"

"Craig!" Tweek shouted, grabbing onto Craig and shaking him to get his attention. _"Craig!"_

A few seats away, Bebe leaned in on Annie and whispered, "What's going on with Tweek?"

Annie merely shrugged. By now, nearly everyone was staring at Tweek in confusion.

Finally, Craig whirled around to face Tweek, unable to ignore him any longer. "Dude, can't you see I'm talking to my bitch here?" He asked. "If you need to go, then-"

He didn't get to finish. Before Craig could utter another word, Tweek opened his mouth and hurled a rocket of bile right into the blue-capped boys face.

Everyone froze in shock. A few kids gasped.

As soon as Tweek realized what he had done, he covered his mouth in horror, staring into Craig's puke-covered face. "Ohmygosh Craig, I don't know what came over me. I just, I just. . ."

Slowly, Craig wiped the puke from his eyes. He stared at Tweek, his glare immediately shutting the blond up.

"Seriously dude," He said after a tense silence. "What the _fuck_?"

Slowly, Tweek sunk down into his seat, thoroughly humiliated.

On the other side of the table, Clyde shrugged and said, "Well if you ask me, that's what you get for consuming ass loads of meth-"

Right in the middle of his sentence, though, Clyde suddenly lurched over and let loose a torrent of vomit onto Token and Nichole. The sudden blow knocked the couple right off their seat and onto the ground.

Clyde let out a gasp of shock, and covered his mouth, his eyes darting from side to side.

On the far side of the cafeteria, Lola clutched her stomach in pain, groaning. "I don't feel so good-" She whispered before promptly throwing up on Pete.

Nearby, Jenny was doubling over in agony. "No, not again. . ." She whimpered before letting loose a rocket of vomit onto some of the girls nearby, eliciting screams of disgust from the other children.

"What the Hell is going on?!" Bebe shouted as, one by one, the invitees started throwing up on their dates or anyone else nearby. She froze up when she felt Douglas grab her arm, and turned around to see that his face was turning green.

"Bebe, my stomach hurts. . ." He moaned.

Standing up, Bebe backed away from Douglas slowly, unnerved. "No," She said, putting up her hands as if to shield herself. "Stay away from me."

"But Bebe, we're an item," Douglas said, stumbling towards her. As he spoke, he then threw up right on the blonde, causing the girl to scream in utter revulsion.

Nearby, Craig was starting to throw up on the table. "Seriously, Blondie, what store did you buy these chocolates from?!" He shouted, sounding unusually panicked.

"It wasn't me!" Blondie denied. "I swear-" She was cut off when she abruptly puked onto her date.

Tweek was curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth. "Craig, I'm scared," He moaned in fear, before throwing up once more.

Lying on the floor in pain, Nelly called out to nobody, "Someone call the police! Call the-" But she was interrupted when she involuntarily vomited onto the floors.

By now, nearly the entire cafeteria was coated in puke. Everyone was writhing in pain, and others were continuing to retch uncontrollably. The entire cafeteria was starting to reek.

Unexpectedly, the cafeteria doors opened and Heidi and Sally, who had left to go get a drink, strode inside.

"Alright everybody, me and Sally were talking, and we've come to the conclusion that we _really_ deserve a date tonight!" Heidi declared. She and Sally then went silent when they saw everyone in the cafeteria covered in puke and moaning in agony.

". . . On second thoughts, maybe we'll just stay single," Sally whispered, before she and Heidi awkwardly shuffled out of the cafeteria.

* * *

Stan couldn't believe just how quickly things had escalated. Just a couple minutes ago, he'd been prepped to lock lips with his girlfriend and truly make their date a romantic evening. Now he was covered in puke, his clothes had been ruined, and Wendy was nowhere to be seen.

It occurred to Stan that he wouldn't be a good boyfriend if he didn't chase after his date, so as soon as the shock wore off, he bolted out the restaurant in search of Wendy. He knew she couldn't have gone far; the real question was what he was going to say to her when he found her.

As it turns out, he was right. Wendy was standing merely a few feet away from the restaurant, her back turned from Stan. Her long, black hair blew lightly in the wind, as did her dress. She was still, in spite of the frigid cold outside.

For a few moments, Stan simply stared at Wendy, finding himself unable to find the words to speak to her. He didn't know what emotions Wendy was feeling at the moment, and he was worried one wrong move could set her off.

Eventually, Stan decided to cautiously approach his girlfriend. "Wendy?" He whispered, folding his arms behind his back.

When Wendy didn't respond, Stan continued, saying, "Wendy, what did I do wrong? I was hoping to make tonight perfect, but I must have screwed up somehow to make you. . . well, you know. . ."

"I messed up, Stan."

Stan immediately shut up when he heard Wendy's soft words. Looking up, he saw Wendy turn around to face him, and he saw tears in her eyes.

"W-Wendy?" Stan stuttered.

"These past few weeks, I'd been feeling like the two of us had been disconnected," Wendy confessed, tears streaming down her face. "My girl friends were telling me that maybe. . . us getting back together was a mistake."

Stan noticed that Wendy sounded different than usual. Her voice sounded weaker and frailer than it usually was.

"I wanted this evening to be perfect," Wendy continued onward. "But when I noticed that you weren't enjoying yourself, I thought maybe something was wrong that had made you upset. That maybe. . . it was me."

Stan froze up in horror. His skin turned pale, and his eyes widened in shock.

"Oh God, Stan, this whole evening has been a disaster!" Wendy suddenly shouted. "It's all my fault! I should have seen this coming!" She turned away from Stan, obviously trying to hide the tears now flowing freely down her face.

Stan could only watch his girlfriend, unsure of how to feel. He thought back to the past few weeks he'd spent with Wendy; he'd had no idea she'd been harboring these feelings the whole time. He realized, to his shock, that Wendy had been just as, if not more, scared of screwing up their date than he had been.

How could he have been so clueless?

"Wendy," Stan said softly, walking over to Wendy. He took his girlfriend by her hand and spun her around so that she was facing him. He saw the way Wendy's eyes widened in shock, but he didn't care.

"Wendy, this isn't your fault," Stan said to her. "I know it may seem like we've been disconnected lately, and I know I'm not the most romantic guy out there, but don't think for a moment that I don't love you."

"Stan-"

"No seriously, Wendy," Stan interrupted her. "From the moment I laid eyes on you back in preschool, I've had feelings for you. You're the only girl I love, Wendy. Believe me, I've imagined what it'd be like to be dating someone like Bebe or Red; they never ended well."

"Oh, Stan," Wendy said, a hint of a smile appearing on her lips.

"And I know neither of us really expected our date to turn out like this, but in truth, I'm glad it did," Stan said.

Wendy's face twisted into confusion. "What?" She asked. "Why?"

"Because now I get to do this," Stan said with a smile.

And with that, he leaned in and pressed his lips against Wendy's.

For a moment, the noirette stood, shocked, as she felt Stan's lips against hers. Then, she closed her eyes and softly returned the kiss. As she did, she wrapped her arms around the back of Stan's neck. Stan, meanwhile, slid his hands up and down Wendy's back before reaching up and holding the back of Wendy's head, feeling her soft black hair in his fingers.

After a few moments, the two separated, breathing heavily, still feeling one another's breath on each other. They stared into each other's eyes, and slowly, the feelings of awkwardness were replaced with joy and love.

"Stan, I. . ." Wendy whispered. Her cheeks began to turn red and she looked away, trying to hide her smile. She slowly raised her hand to cover her mouth, blushing brightly.

Stan, meanwhile, was silent. He'd thought of what it'd be like to lock lips with Wendy and not barf on her face. Of all the ways it had played out in his mind, it was _nothing_ like it was in reality.

It felt _good_.

Taking Wendy's hands in his own, Stan said, "Um, Wendy, that was. . . nice. I was wondering if maybe. . . we could do it again some time. Some time soon."

Wendy smiled even wider. "Gladly!"

Stan returned the smile.

Perhaps this night wouldn't be such a disaster after all.

* * *

 _Read and review._


	10. Food Fight

_Sir Weston: Sorry for the delay, once more._

* * *

The South Park Elementary School cafeteria was covered in vomit. The cafeteria, and possibly the whole school, smelled like a sewage, as did everyone present.

"What the Hell just happened?!" Clyde sobbed as he sat in the middle of the puke-filled cafeteria, bawling his eyes out.

"This has been the worst Valentine's Day ever!" Bebe complained as she struggled to wipe the puke off of her face. Directing her eyes at Douglas, who was still doubled over and clutching his aching stomach, she snapped, "I never should've gone out with you!"

"Sorry, babe," Douglas groaned before letting out a small burp.

"Don't call me 'babe'!" Bebe shouted at him. "I'm not your 'babe'!"

Lola, her hair a mess, stormed into the middle of the cafeteria. "Is anyone going to explain to me what the _fuck_ just happened?" She asked, irritated. "One minute, everything's fine, and the next, the whole cafeteria's covered in shit!"

"I know what happened!" Craig piped up, his eyebrows furrowed. "Someone ordered crappy candy!" As he spoke, he narrowed his eyes at Blondie.

The blonde's eyes widened in shock. "What, you think this is _my_ fault!" She asked, offended. "I bought chocolates for you, not the whole student body!"

"Well _someone_ has to take the blame!" Craig snapped at her, pointing a finger at her.

At that point, Token stepped between the two. "Dude, lay off her, man," He said, trying to keep everyone under control. "This isn't her fault."

Craig shoved Token out of the way. "This is a lover's quarrel, Token, stay out of it," He warned.

"'Lover's quarrel'?" Blondie asked, shocked. "Do you even know my _name_?!"

"It starts with a B, right?" Craig asked, sarcastically. "And let me guess, it ends with '-itch'!"

Blondie's vision turned red. "Oh, that's it!" She roared, and with that, she lunged at Craig, ramming into him. The two crashed onto the vomit-covered floor and started rolling over each other, exchanging punches and kicks.

"Hey, leave my friend alone, you bastard!" Bebe growled as she jumped into the fray, joining Blondie in pummeling Craig.

Hoping to defuse the situation, Token ran up to the three and struggled to pull them apart. "Guys, calm down!" He said in the midst of the fighting. "This is supposed to be a night of romance!"

The moment the words left his mouth, a clenched fist swung out and connected with Token's jaw.

Token stood, frozen in shock, for a few moments, simply letting the three continue their scuffle. His hand reached up and felt his bruised jaw for a second. Then, his eyes narrowed and he clenched his teeth.

"Oh, I did not return to school in the evening for _this_!" He shouted furiously. With that, he slammed into the three brawling children and started exchanging a few violent punches and kicks of his own.

At that point, a random voice shouted, "Food fight!"

And then the cafeteria _really_ descended into chaos.

* * *

After making up outside the restaurant, Stan and Wendy had returned to the cafeteria, apologized to the waiter for running out without paying their check, and then returned to their table to inspect the food.

"There must have been something in this meal to make you throw up, Wendy," Stan said as he checked the pasta. Looking up at the waiter, he asked, "Are you sure you cooked these right?"

"Why of course!" The waiter replied. "Here at the Buca de Fagghecini, we cook the best pasta in all of South Park, Colorado!"

Stan scratched his chin, deep in thought, but he was snapped out of his thoughts when Wendy suddenly said, "Stan, look at this!"

Rushing to his girlfriend's side, Stan saw that she was pointing at the leftover chocolates that Stan had prepared for her. Some of them had been only half-eaten, which allowed for the two to see the contents inside.

"Stan, there are laxatives in these," Wendy pointed out to him as she held up one of the chocolates. "The ones that make you throw up."

"Huh?" Stan said, in confusion. "But that can't be. I never-"

And then, Stan froze, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open.

"Stan, what's wrong?" Wendy asked, concerned.

"Before you arrived at my house this evening," Stan said, his horrified expression not changing. "Cartman came over."

It only took a few seconds for Wendy to realize what Stan was getting at. When she did, her face shifted into that of a horrified one mirroring Stan's own. Then, it changed into that of pure, unadulterated anger.

". . . That son of a bitch!" Wendy shouted. With that, she left the table and stormed out of the restaurant.

"Wendy, wait for me!" Stan called out, racing after her.

"Wait, you still haven't paid for your food!" The waiter called out after them. But by then, the two were long gone.

* * *

"Well, this day was a complete and utter waste," Kenny said to Kyle through his muffled parka.

After the two had left the South Park Elementary School, Kyle and Kenny had arrived at Cartman's house, only to learn that he still wasn't home. The two tried to find out where he'd gone, but eventually, they'd simply given up and were currently sitting on a bench on the side of the road.

"Kenny, you think maybe Craig was right?" Kyle asked, his head resting on his cheek. "Cartman just tried to eat their sweets, and then left? That was it?"

Kenny shrugged. "Maybe," He said. "But there's no point in dwelling on it now. Besides, it's getting late; we should be going home."

Kyle let out a long, drawn-out sigh. "Maybe you're right, buddy," He said. "Tomorrow, I'll ask Stan how is date with Wendy went."

The two jumped off the bench and were about to head home when suddenly, Kyle's phone rang.

"Who the heck could be calling me at this time?" Kyle asked as he whipped out his phone to answer it. He noticed that the call was coming from Clyde and, curious, answered the call.

"Clyde, what's up?" Kyle asked.

Kyle flinched when he heard Clyde shout at him through the other end of the phone. "Kyle, you gotta get over here!" He shouted in a panicked tone. "Everyone's gone crazy!"

"What?" Kyle asked, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Tweek couldn't keep it in and he blew his load all over Craig's face!" Clyde shouted on the other end of the phone. "Now it's a four-way between Craig, Token, Blondie and Bebe!"

In the background, Kyle heard Lisa call out, "Clyde, Nichole's really giving us a pounding!"

"I'm coming, you guys!" Clyde shouted. "Just give me a couple more seconds!"

Returning to his conversation with Kyle, Clyde said, "Quickly Kyle, get here as soon as you can!" And with that, the call ended.

For a few moments, Kyle simply stood, frozen, on the sidewalk, trying to comprehend what he'd just heard.

Eventually, Kenny walked up to him. "Kyle, what just happened?" He asked.

". . . Kenny, go home and get our costumes," Kyle said after snapping out of his trance. "I think this situation calls for some "super" intervention."

* * *

 _Read and review._


	11. Hero Time

_Sir Weston: Great._

* * *

The moment someone had shouted "Food fight!", the cafeteria had descended into utter chaos. Everyone's pent-up anger and aggression was unleashed in a single instant, and for the next several minutes, the sounds of vulgar swearing and fists connecting with flesh filled the air.

Food was thrown across the cafeteria. Plates were slammed down on other people's heads. Punches and kicks were being thrown viciously at one another. What was meant to be the most romantic day at South Park Elementary was quickly becoming the most bloody instead.

"Everybody stop!"

Immediately, everybody froze in place. Slowly, all heads turned to face Lola, who was standing in the middle of the cafeteria. Her dress was in tatters, her hair was a mess and covered in puke, and her face was covered in bruises.

" _Why_ exactly are we fighting?" She asked, in the middle of trying to catch her breath.

There was an awkward pause among the guests. "What do you mean?" Craig asked, his hand wrapped around Clyde's neck, with the other reeled back for a punch.

"Why are we trying to kill each other?" Lola asked, genuinely confused. "I thought it was Valentine's Day?"

"Well. . . um, you see. . ." Token started, but stopped when he realized that he couldn't come up with an answer.

"This chocolate sucked, that's why!" Craig exclaimed, releasing Clyde, and turning to face Lola.

"So what?" Lola asked.

Now even Craig didn't have a retort. All of the kids started looking to the ground, somewhat embarrassed.

"Look, why don't we all go to one of the classrooms and think things over?" Lola suggested, glad that things were winding down. "Then, we can figure out what the Hell happened to ruin our night. Agreed?"

"Agreed," The rest of the guests replied.

"Good," Lola said. "Now let's get out of here. This cafeteria is starting to smell."

With that, everyone exited the cafeteria and began to head to one of the 4th grade classrooms.

* * *

Stan and Wendy were storming down the sidewalk side-by-side, their faces red and steam practically blowing out of their ears.

There was only one thing on their minds at the moment: _Cartman._

As they searched for the fat tub of lard, they mentally relayed all the torture methods they would inflict once they get their hands on him. A baseball bat to the groin, a swirlie, perhaps force-feeding him all the remaining laxative-tainted chocolates...they'd make him pay somehow.

As they walked, the two bumped into Kyle and Kenny on the sidewalk. "Oh, hey guys," Stan greeted through gritted teeth, trying to hide his anger in front of his friends. He wasn't doing a very good job at it.

"Um, what happened?" Kyle asked, noticing the furious expression on his and Wendy's faces. "I take it your date didn't go well?"

"Yeah," Stan replied bluntly.

"Well, where are you off to?" Kyle asked.

"We're going to kick Cartman's ass, that's what!" Wendy declared.

"Oh," Kyle said, and he soon put two-and-two together and realized what had happened. "What a coincidence; we were off to do the same thing."

"Great, we'll do it together," Stan said. "If only we could find him."

"Sure, but before that, we were going to get something back at our houses," Kyle said. Then, he dragged Stan closer and, making sure Wendy wasn't listening, he whispered into his ear, "Get your costume."

Stan's eyes widened for a moment before realizing what Kyle meant. "What?" He asked. "Why?"

"We got a call from Clyde," Kyle whispered to him. "Apparently the whole cafeteria's turned to chaos, and we both know who's responsible. If we're going to fix this, I think we'll need our costumes on."

"Stan, what's going on?" Wendy asked, confused.

Stan turned to face her. "It's nothing," He lied. "Wendy, can you meet us at the school? We're going home for a second. We'll be right there, okay?"

Wendy raised an eyebrow in confusion, but nodded. "Alright, then," She said, before heading off towards South Park Elementary.

The moment she was gone, Stan turned back to Kyle and Kenny. "Let's go!" He shouted, and the two of them immediately took off to get their superhero costumes on.

* * *

"I hope we're not too late," Kevin said as he and Red headed towards the South Park Elementary entrance, hand-in-hand. "Hopefully, everybody's still here."

Red began to blush. "You know, Kevin, I gotta say, you really pulled through," She said, tightening her grip on his hand. "When you said you weren't coming for our date, I was kind of losing faith in you. Worried we might have to. . . split."

Kevin froze up a bit. "Come on Red, don't take it personally," He said, rubbing the back of his head. "I mean, I still came, right?"

"Indeed," Red said, raising an eyebrow. "And you'll _always_ come for me, right?" She began to squeeze Kevin's hand tighter.

"Yes, ma'am," Kevin said quickly, sweat beginning to drip down his forehead.

"Good," Red said, smiling brightly. "Now, let's get a move on. Our date commences!" She then proceeded to drag Kevin through the school entrance.

As the two vanished inside the school, Butters quietly emerged from behind a tree. He watched as the two disappeared inside the school, and he let out a deep, sad sigh of heartbreak.

Just when he thought things had been going so well between him and Red. He honestly thought the girl loved him as much as he did her. How could he have been so stupid? _Of course_ the two of them could never be together. They were too...different.

A tear of sadness slipped down his cheek. He felt as if his heart had been torn out of his chest.

Butters was so busy wallowing in despair that he didn't even notice a rather large shadow creep up behind him. "Hey man, what's up," The figure said, causing Butters to spring up in surprise and whip around to see who had spoken.

"Oh, hey Eric," Butters said, wiping away his tears. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, me?" Cartman asked, scratching the back of his head. "I was just arriving to see how everyone was doing." As he spoke, he looked over Butters' shoulder at the school entrance.

"Anyways, what are you doing here?" He asked Butters.

"Oh nothing," Butters said, rubbing his knuckles. "Just wallowing in my sorrows."

"Sorrows over what?" Cartman asked.

"Red," Butters immediately confessed. "We spent the whole evening together. I thought we were dating, but it turns out I was just an idiot. Her real boyfriend arrived, and the two of them just entered the school."

Cartman nodded in fake sympathy. "Bitches, man," He said, throwing a hand on Butters' shoulder. "I get you."

"Please don't call her that, Eric, I really like her," Butters replied.

"What's the point in liking someone if they break your heart?" Cartman asked. An idea seemed to spring into his mind, and he said, "Hey Butters, in fact, I know the perfect way to fix your problem."

Butters eyes widened. "R-Really?" He asked. "You'd do that for me?"

"Of course, man," Cartman said, trying to sound generous. "Trust me, we'll be able to work this out. Just do as I say, and the two of us will have the last laugh over that hoe."

"Um. . . okay," Butters said, though secretly, he was already doubting Cartman's words.

* * *

 _Read and review._


	12. Evil Rears Its Fat, Ugly Head

_Sir Weston: You'll see..._

 _Msidpk: Thanks._

* * *

When Red and Kevin entered the school, they were surprised to find the hallways darkened and vacant. The school looked like it had been abandoned for months, not at all the romantic party Red expected it to be.

"Did no one decide to come?" Kevin asked, scratching his head in confusion.

"Let's check the gym," Red suggested, hoping that they hadn't been too late. Grabbing Kevin's wrist, Red dashed down the hallways in the direction of the gym. As she did, she and Kevin noticed a putrid stench floating through the air.

"Ugh," Kevin groaned, pinching his nose. "What is that smell?"

"It's probably just leftover cafeteria food," Red rationalized, though the stench smelled far worse than that. "Just ignore it."

Eventually, the two reached the gym. To their dismay, the gym was also abandoned, though they did notice a music box set on one of the stands. Confirming their fears.

"We _were_ too late," Kevin said, his shoulders slumping in disappointment.

Red let out a brief sigh, and shut her eyes to reflect on matters. After a few moments, she decided that she wasn't going to let her date get ruined so easily.

"Oh well," She said, opening up her eyes. "We can still have our date, even if no one else is around. Heck, since it's just the two of us, it'll probably be even more intimate."

"Really?" Kevin asked, his eyes widening. "Gee Red, I didn't think you'd be so optimistic. Well, what do you suggest we do?"

"Let's go into the gym and dance," Red suggested. "A slow dance, since it's more romantic. Maybe for about ten minutes or so; then we'll go to the cafeteria."

"Great," Kevin muttered, shifting his eyes so Red didn't notice his annoyed glance. He wasn't exactly skilled at dancing, especially slow dancing. He kept silent as Red led him into the middle of the gym and took his hands into her own. Then, slowly, the two started dancing with one another, locked in each other's embrace.

"Should we turn the music box on?" Kevin asked as they danced.

Red thought for a moment, then simply said, "Nah, it's not ours. Though I wonder why whoever brought it just left it here?"

Kevin shrugged, but the thought left their minds, and the two continued to dance.

* * *

While Red and Kevin danced in the gym, they were unaware that two other uninvited guests had sneaked into the school after them, and currently had arrived in the cafeteria.

"Ew, Eric, this place sure stinks," Butters said, pinching his nose, when the two arrived at the puke-covered cafeteria.

"Well what do you expect from a cafeteria at night?" Cartman replied. Quickly, he took a random gift basket and emptied it of its contents. Then, he gathered up all the candies that had been left untouched by the other children and placed them all in the basket.

"Eric, what are you doing?" Butters asked nervously.

"Helping you with your lady problems," Cartman replied. Slapping the other gift baskets off one of the tables in the center of the cafeteria, he placed the gift basket on the table so it would be in prominent view. Then, he took a pen and scribbled on the basket's letter, writing, _**To Red, From Kevin**_.

"Seriously, Eric, what is this?" Butters asked.

Cartman turned around to face Butters. "This is how we're going to get that bitch back," He declared. "When Red enters the cafeteria, she's going to think this gift basket and all those sweets are from Kevin. But we're going to stuff all those sweets with laxatives, and when she eats them, she's going to retch so much her gut will be bursting!"

Butters' eyes widened in horror. "Gee wiz, Eric, she doesn't deserve that!" He cried out.

"Of course she does," Cartman replied. "She broke your heart, man. And we all know that the cure to a broken heart is cold-hearted _revenge_."

Butters looked uncomfortable, but he didn't reply.

Cartman took out the laxative bottles. "Hold these, Butters," He instructed the blond, placing the bottles in his hands. "I'm gonna go and check on Red to see when she's coming. Meanwhile, you inject the chocolates with the laxatives."

"But what if-"

"Just stay here, Butters," Cartman interrupted him. "I'll be right back." With that, he bolted out into the darkened hallways, leaving Butters alone in the cafeteria.

* * *

In Mr. Garrison's 4th grade classroom, the puke-covered young couples had spent an unknown amount of time sitting silently in the room, some in their desks and others on the floor. Nobody spoke a word as they tried to comprehend what had happened to them in the past half hour.

Eventually, Clyde started speaking to ease the boredom. "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream," He sang to himself.

Craig slowly craned his head to stare at him. "No. . ." He groaned.

On his left, Bebe joined in. "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream," She sang.

"Really?" Craig asked, incredulous.

In the corner, Token started singing as well, "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. . ."

"We don't need to this," Craig said, his pleas falling on deaf ears.

". . . Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. . ."

Soon, the whole class was singing. "I hate this," Craig muttered, sinking into his seat.

Suddenly, a voice called out from the hallways, "Everyone, come out into the hallways!"

Immediately, everyone stopped singing. "What was that?" Lola asked, whipping her head around in confusion.

"I've found the culprit!" The voice in the hallway continued. "The one responsible for tonight's misery!"

"Really?" Token asked as everyone stood up, eager to hear more. They couldn't wait to find out who was to blame for all of their misfortune.

"He's in the cafeteria!" The voice claimed. "If you're quick enough, you'll be able to catch him before he gets away. Go, hurry!"

"Alright!" The crowd of children cried out in joy. Immediately, they flooded out of the room, nearly tripping over one another as they hurried down the hallway to get to the cafeteria, eager to exact their revenge on whoever the culprit was.

As they left, they didn't notice Cartman sneak out of the shadows, grinning and smirking to himself.

"Well, I think I'd call that a qualified success," He said smugly to himself. "I'd better get going before those guys figure out they've been had."

With that, he turned and hurried off in the opposite direction as fast as he could. As he did, he couldn't believe how lucky he was to have gotten away with it all.

Nothing could stop him now.

Or so he thought.

* * *

On top of one of the houses overlooking South Park Elementary, three figures loomed on top of the building, cast in the shadows of the night.

 _"In a town consumed by darkness and villainy, only three people have the guts to step up in the face of evil,"_ One of the figures spoke in a deep voice, his cape blowing in the wind. _"As evil rears his fat, ugly head, only Coon and Friends can stop him from ruining Valentine's Day. For only we have the capability of getting that son of a bitch, and only we deserve the honor of shoving our feet right up his fat-"_

"Kenny, can we get off the roof?" Stan, in his Toolshed outfit, abruptly asked. Next to him, Kenny, dressed as Mysterion, and Kyle, dressed as the Human Kite, slowly turned to stare at him.

"Seriously, it's getting cold up here," Stan pointed out.

"Thanks for ruining the moment, Stan," Kenny said in his normal voice.

"Look, I have a date with my girlfriend and I can't keep her waiting," Stan pointed out. "Can we just get this thing over with before the fatass gets away?"

Kenny sighed. "Fine," He grumbled after a few moments. Springing up, he commanded, "Coon and Friends, move out!"

With that, the three descended from the rooftops and headed towards the school to deal out justice.

* * *

 _Read and review._


	13. Caught Red-Handed

_Sir Weston: Glad you enjoyed the comedy._

 _Guest: I, uh, well I. . . let's just continue with the story._

* * *

Butters sat alone in the cafeteria, holding the laxative bottles in his hands and staring at them contemplatively.

"Is this really right?" He said to no one in particular. "I mean, I know Red broke my heart and all, but does she really deserve _this_?" He held up the laxative bottles, staring down at the gift basket Cartman had disguised as belonging to Red.

Butters then slapped himself in the head. "Oh come on Butters, she broke your heart!" He said to himself, willing himself to get angry. "She made you look like a fool! You have to get her back!"

He prepared himself to inject the laxatives in the gift basket, but stopped himself. "Then again, she was the one who made me so happy tonight in the first place. . ."

". . . Only to take that happiness and smash it into a million pieces!"

"But on the other hand, she didn't necessarily _mean_ to, from a certain point of view. . ."

"But it still hurt!"

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters exclaimed in exasperation as he mentally battled with himself. He slumped onto the cafeteria seat, exhausted and deep in thought. His arms hung to their sides, holding the bottles limply.

"Oh, who am I kidding?" He confessed to himself sadly. "I can't do this to her. This is supposed to be her special night. And while we may not have been dating, at the very least we kept each other happy for the evening. I actually enjoyed spending time with her, even if we weren't on a date."

Getting off the table seat, Butters said to himself, "I'm gonna go thank Red for this evening. Maybe we can still be friends. Well, I better get to that quickly-"

"There he is!"

Butters suddenly froze. Whipping around, his eyes widened as he saw dozens of his schoolmates, all of them covered in puke, standing at the cafeteria entrance. They were all staring at him with blood-red eyes.

"Oh. . . hey, everyone," Butters said, waving to his schoolmates.

Bebe noticed the laxative bottle in Butters' hand as he waved. "Look at that!" She said, pointing at the bottle. "Those are laxatives!"

Jenny stepped forward. "So, _you're_ the one who spiked our sweets and ruined our night!" She accused, pointing an accusing finger at the blond.

Token took a step forward and raised an eyebrow. " _Butters_ is the culprit?" He asked, baffled at the very thought.

Butters froze up. "Wait, what?" He asked, confused. "No, you got it all wrong! I wasn't even here until now!"

"Then why are you holding those bottles?!" Bebe shouted.

Butters immediately dropped the bottles. "Well, uh, you see, I uh. . ." He stuttered, unsure of what to say. He suddenly forgot why he had even arrived at the school in the first place.

"What's the matter?" Jenny asked. "Cat got your tongue?"

"He _is_ guilty!" Blondie growled. "Let's get him!"

Several of the children rushed forward, but forgot that the floors of the cafeteria were still covered in puke. Immediately, the children slipped on the vomit and crashed into one another, sending the large group tumbling onto the ground in the puke.

Butters took the opportunity to dash past the crowd and out the cafeteria doors, racing down the hallway to try and find the nearest exit.

"Come on, let's get him!" Nelly encouraged the other children. "We can't let him escape!"

Immediately, the crowd of puke-covered children raced down the hallways after Butters.

Behind the crowd, Token, Clyde, Tweek and Craig followed close by, still befuddled. "I still can't believe it's Butters," Token said to the other three as they followed the large crowd down the hallways.

The moment the crowd vanished, Red and Kevin walked up to the cafeteria doors, having finished their dance.

"Did you hear something?" Red asked, confused. "I thought I heard screaming down the hallway."

Kevin shrugged.

Then, Red peered into the cafeteria, and her eyes widened. "Oh my goodness!" She shouted, her face contorting in horror, which caused Kevin to jump a bit.

After a few moments, Red rushed into the cafeteria and towards the table where her "gift basket" was, and scooped it up. "Kevin, you know I don't like chocolates!" She snapped at him.

"Wait, what?" Kevin asked, confused.

"When did you have time to set this up anyways?" She asked, holding the gift basket in her hands.

"I don't understand," Kevin said, scratching his head.

Red blinked in confusion. Then, she sniffed the air, and looked around her.

". . . Why is the cafeteria covered in puke?"

* * *

Outside South Park Elementary, Eric Cartman was hauling ass down the sidewalk as fast as he could (which wasn't very fast), hoping to reach his house before anyone saw him leave.

Suddenly, three figures pounced in front of Cartman, stopping him dead in his tracks. "Not so fast, fatass!" The one on the left said in a commanding tone.

Cartman froze. "Ah, son of a bitch," He said, realizing he was caught.

"You're not going anywhere, Cartman," Toolshed said on the right. "We know what you did tonight. And as members of Coon and Friends, we order you to surrender!"

Cartman stared at the three, his eyebrows furrowed. "You can't apprehend me; I'm the fuckin' Coon!"

 _"Not when you're not in-costume, dumbass,"_ Mysterion said in the center of the trio, his arms folded across his chest.

"Ah, shit," Cartman said, realizing he had a point.

Toolshed stepped forward. "How could you do this to me?" He asked, a betrayed tone in his voice. "You almost ruined my date with Wendy!"

"Seriously dude, I was doing you a favor!" Cartman defended himself. "There are so many better options than that bitch!"

"And for that you injected her with _laxatives_?!" Toolshed shouted at him, waving his arms in the air.

"Yeah, pretty much," Cartman said, crossing his arms.

The Human Kite raised an eyebrow. "You do know using laxatives is illegal, Cartman?" He asked in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Your _face_ is illegal!" Cartman shot back.

The three members of Coon and Friends stood in silence for a few moments, staring at Cartman with annoyed and perplexed glances.

 _". . . We're just gonna beat you up, now,"_ Mysterion said after the silence.

As the three approached Cartman, Wendy suddenly ran up to the four, a confused look on her face. "Hey Stan, I arrived at the school just like you said, and there's an angry mob chasing Butters around the school," She informed them. "By the way, why are you dressed like that?"

The three froze. "Wait, what?" The Human Kite asked, confused.

"Gee, that sounds terrible," Cartman said, shifting his eyes. "That seems like something you guys should handle. You are Coon and Friends, after all."

"But. . ." Toolshed said, at a loss for words.

"Cartman's right, you guys," Wendy pointed out. "You have to help him."

"But we were just about to beat up Cartman," The Human Kite complained.

"Boys," Wendy said sternly, putting her hands on her hips and shooting them a glare.

Eventually, the three sighed. "Fine," They said in unison. Toolshed turned to Cartman and grumbled, "You're off the hook for now, fatass."

Cartman sighed in relief. However, his relief vanished when Wendy stepped forward. "Who said anything about letting him off the hook?" She asked.

The boys stared at her in confusion. "Uh, you did," Toolshed pointed out.

"Oh please," Wendy said, and cracked her knuckles. "You guys aren't going to beat up Cartman; leave that to _me_."

Toolshed grinned. "I love you," He said, and gave Wendy a kiss on the cheek.

Cartman's eyes widened. "Ah, shit!" He shouted, and dashed off down the streets.

"Cartman, get your fat ass back here!" Wendy shouted and took off after him.

As Wendy chased the fatass down, Coon and Friends turned and dashed off towards the school to right Cartman's wrongs.

* * *

 _Read and review._


	14. Coon and Friends Move Out

_Sir Weston: Looks like we're going to have a repeat of "Breast Cancer Show Ever"._

 _Guest: Knock it off. I'll update when I feel like it._

 _ReversedThoughts: Thanks._

* * *

Outside South Park Elementary, Butters dashed around the playground in a hurry; behind him, a mob of angry, puke-covered children pursued him vehemently.

"Get him!" The crowd was shouting, fury clear in their voices. "Get him!"

Turning around, Butters sputtered, "G-Guys, it wasn't me, I-I swear. . ." However, everyone was too blinded by their own rage to listen. When it became apparent that his pleas were falling upon deaf ears, Butters resumed running.

As the blond dashed towards a tree, Heidi suddenly pounced at him from behind it. "This is for ruining the party I worked so hard to set up!" She shouted, swinging her fist towards him. With a yelp, Butters ducked, and Heidi's fist connected with Annie, flipping her over in the air and causing her to land in a heap on the ground.

Heidi let out a gasp. "Oops, sorry," She whispered. Not a few seconds later, she was knocked down and trampled underneath the feet of the other kids as they continued chasing Butters.

Desperate, Butters headed back towards the school. As he ran, he narrowly dodged a plate, a basket and a baseball bat hurled in his direction.

Standing by the wayside, Token, Clyde, Craig and Tweek watched on in mild bewilderment. "Uh guys, you think everyone's getting a little carried away here?" Token asked, scratching his head.

"Eh, it could be worse," Craig replied with a shrug.

 _BANG!_ The sound of a gunshot filled everyone's ears, and the four boys jumped as they saw Butters barely avoid a bullet aimed at him.

". . . Was that a gun?" Token asked, his eyes widening in horrified realization. "Who the _fuck_ brought a gun here?"

"This has been the worst Valentine's Day ever!" Clyde whined, bawling his eyes out. "I want to go home!"

 _"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"_ Tweek shouted out.

Immediately, Craig slapped the other three boys across the head. "Keep your panties dry!" He snapped. "We got to follow that crowd!" With that, he set off after the crowd towards the school, the other three following close behind.

As they did, the four ran into Mysterion, the Human Kite and Toolshed, who were also heading towards the school.

"Kyle?" Token said, perplexed. "Stan? Mysterion? What are you guys doing here?"

 _"Long story,"_ Mysterion replied. "Better question is where is that crowd headed?"

"They're chasing Butters," Craig explained. "Apparently he's responsible for spiking our sweets and making everyone puke."

"Well, he's not," The Human Kite retorted.

"Figures," Token said.

"Look, we're going to lose a lot of hero credibility if we do nothing," Toolshed said to the other boys. "Lead us after that mob!"

"Yeah, fine, whatever," Craig replied dismissively, rolling his eyes. "Follow us."

With that, the now larger group of boys headed towards the entrance of South Park Elementary.

* * *

Inside the cafeteria, Red and Kevin sat together at one of the tables. They tried to ignore the filthy stench and the fact that the place was covered in puke.

"Man Red, you should've been at that role-play," Kevin was saying to his girlfriend. "The guys were dressed as Stormtroopers, and I was dressed as Luke. One of the guys tripped on his own gun! It was hilarious!"

Red, her face resting in her hand, let out a bored sigh. "I bet it was, Kev," She groaned out, rolling her eyes.

Kevin frowned. "Uh, are you okay, Red?" He asked, concerned.

"Oh, I'm fine," Red said, though her expression contradicted her words. "It's just, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I was happier tonight when I was with Butters."

Kevin grimaced. "W-What?"

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I love you, but Kevin, did you actually have anything planned for us tonight?" Red asked.

"Well, uh. . ." Kevin said, his voice trailing off. He began awkwardly tapping his fingers against the table.

Red groaned, and her eyes trailed off towards the cafeteria exit. "I think we should go," Red mumbled, and she scooted off the seat and prepared to leave.

Suddenly, Red saw Butters dash past the cafeteria. "Oh hamburgers!" He shouted as he vanished down the hallway.

"What the heck?!" Red shouted. Immediately afterwards, the angry mob followed suite, charging down the hallway after Butters.

"Get him! Kill him! Beat him up!" The crowd was shouting hoarsely as they ran. Behind them, the seven members of Coon and Friends (though not all of them in-costume) scurried after them.

"Guys, wait up!" Toolshed called out. "You all got the wrong guy!" Soon, they too had vanished from sight.

Kevin ran up to Red. "What the heck was that about?" He asked, dumbfounded.

Red stared down the hallway where the crowd had vanished to. "Are they after. . ." She said, and she soon fell silent.

"After what?" Kevin asked, confused.

"Butters," Red whispered, horror etching onto her face.

"Butters?" Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow.

Panic suddenly welled up inside Red. "OMG, Butters!" She shouted, and immediately, she was dashing down the hallway faster than she thought was capable.

"Wait, Red, wait for me!" Kevin shouted, and he took off after her.

* * *

 _Read and review._


	15. Big Damn Coon and Friends

_Sir Weston: Yeah._

 _Guest: Be patient. I'll update when I choose._

* * *

Butters raced down the hallways, hardly able to see in the darkness. Behind him, he could hear the angry mob continuing to pursue him, roaring their vile threats at him as they gave chase.

As Butters turned to dash down another hallway, Lola pounced out of the darkness at him. She just barely missed him and face-planted on the floor. Giving a high-pitched yelp, Butters turned and continued running.

"Butters, just stay still and take your damned punishment!" Lola shouted as Heidi and Annie helped her to her feet. "After all the crap you put us through, it's the least you can do!"

"Never!" Butters shouted, and he flung open the door and rushed up the stairs.

The mob stopped at the door. "Look, the bastard's heading to the rooftops!" Nelly shouted, pointing a finger at the stairs where Butters had vanished. "He won't be able to get away now! Let's go!" With that, the mob swarmed up the stairs like a ravenous pack of wolves, squishing each other and tripping over one another in their heist.

A distance behind them, Coon and Friends raced after the mob. "Guys, stop!" The Human Kite shouted, but his shouts were drowned out by the angry roaring of the mob.

"Dammit!" Toolshed said. "We have to get to that roof before that mob does!"

 _"I know, the windows!"_ Mysterion suggested.

The group of boys headed towards the open window. There, Mysterion started hollering out orders to the rest of the gang.

 _"Toolshed, use your screwdriver and hammer to scale the roof!"_ Mysterion commanded. _"Kite, use your flying abilities to fly."_

"What about you?" Toolshed asked.

 _"I'm Mysterion,"_ Was the answer.

"Wait a second," Token said as he, Clyde, Tweek and Craig walked up to the other three. "What about us?"

* * *

"Dude, you're really fucking heavy," Toolshed complained as he carried Clyde on his back while struggling to climb up the wall with his tools.

"Well sorry for being the second fattest guy in the class," Clyde replied sarcastically.

"Like you're one to complain, Stan," The Human Kite snapped as he flew up the side of the building with both Tweek and Craig hanging on to him.

"Tweek, stop squirming," Craig said in an annoyed tone as he held onto a fidgeting Tweek.

"I can't!" Tweek cried out in anxiety. "I can't handle heights! Too much pressure!"

As Stan struggled up the building, Mysterion darted past him without breaking a sweat, Token hanging onto his shoulders.

 _"Pussies,"_ Mysterion whispered under his breath.

* * *

On the top of the building, Butters flew out the door and slammed it shut behind him. Then, he began to continue running, only to stop at the edge of the rooftops.

"Oh hamburgers!" He cried out as he stared down at the long drop below him. Immediately, he flew backwards and landed on his rump, breathing heavily.

As he struggled to catch his breath, he heard the sounds of fists pounding on the door behind him, followed by the sound of the door swinging open with a slam. He whipped his head around in horror.

For a moment, all he saw was darkness within the open door. There was no sign of the angry mob that had been chasing him a few minutes ago.

Then, slowly, Nelly stepped out of the darkness, her face twisted in anger. "Really didn't think this through, did you?" She asked, cracking her knuckles.

Heidi appeared behind her. "Nowhere to run now, ya bastard," She added, her eyebrows furrowed.

Sally followed suit. "This has been a shitty Valentine's Day, but at least we get to take it out on you!" She growled, pointing an accusing finger at Butters.

One-by-one, the mob dispersed onto the rooftops, spreading out to cut off any escape routes. They leered at Butters, slowly advancing towards him with their arms stretched out.

"Um, guys, I-I know you're a-a-angry and all, but I. . . I. . ." Butters stammered, stricken with fear.

"I'm sorry, but at this point, all I hear is 'hit me, guys', 'please kill me', 'man I'm a pussy, fellas'," Bill Allen taunted from within the crowd.

"What are we going to do with him?" Nichole asked as she rolled up her sleeves.

At the question, the crowd began to gleefully discuss the methods of torture they could inflict.

"We could give him a swirly in the toilet that never gets flushed!"

"We could make him eat all of the puke in the cafeteria!"

"We could throw him off the roof so he fractures his pelvis!"

At that, everyone in the crowd turned to stare at Jenny Simons, who shrunk down awkwardly at the eyes on her. "What?" She asked. "I need some damned retribution tonight!"

"Well we got a good few hours of the night left," Nelly said. "We could do 'em all! But I say we start with the swirly!"

"YEAH!" The crowd shouted, and with that, they charged towards Butters.

"Oh, hamburgers!" Butters shouted out, and he threw up his hands as if to shield himself as the crowd descended upon him to mob him.

 _"No!"_

As the mob was only a few feet away from Butters, a strand of firecrackers was flung between the blond and the crowd. Immediately, the firecrackers let off a small explosion, causing the mob to stumble backwards and shield their eyes from the smoke. The resulting string of crackles only compounded the confusion.

"What's going on?" Nelly asked as the crowd scattered in shock and terror. Several kids bumped into each other or slipped on the puke that continued to drip off of their bodies.

Butters stared at the mob, dumbstruck, when a pair of hands grabbed him and yanked him from the edge of the roof. Before he could speak, a hand was slapped over his mouth, silencing him.

As the mob began to settle down, several dark figures appeared in full view of the group of children.

The mob let out a gasp. There, standing before them, was Mysterion, Toolshed and the Human Kite. Behind them were Tweek, Craig, Clyde and Token. The latter two were holding onto Butters.

"OMG, it's Mysterion!" Lola shouted, nearly letting out a squee.

"Hey, and Stan and Kyle are there, too," Francis pointed out.

Toolshed made an offended glance. "Uh, it's Toolshed and Human Kite," He corrected, his hands on his hips.

Once the initial awe subsided, the mob's anger quickly returned. "What the Hell are you doing?" Nelly asked, stepping forward. "Hand over the brat!"

 _"No one is harming Butters tonight!"_ Mysterion stated firmly.

"Come on, he deserves it!" Heidi said angrily. "He needs to pay for what he did to us!"

"Yeah, he ruined Date Night!" Lola agreed.

"You guys are mistaken!" The Human Kite said. "It's not Butters' fault your Valentine's Day went down the crapper!"

"Yeah," Craig piped up. "I mean, if anyone's to blame, it's Blondie for not checking to see if the damned chocolates were spiked!"

"Oh, piss off!" Blondie shouted from within the crowd.

Nichole stepped forward. "Token, what are you doing?" She asked her date. "Why are you with Butters?"

"It's a long story, honey," Token said. "If you just sit down, we can explain what-"

"No one wants to sit down!" Nelly abruptly interrupted. "We already did that in the classroom and nothing happened! It's time to actually _do_ something! Take action!"

"Yeah!" The mob shouted in agreement. "Take action! Take action! Take action!"

"Guys, you're making a mistake," The Human Kite told the mob, but his words were drowned out by the mob's chanting.

"This doesn't look good," Toolshed whispered to the rest of the Friends. "I think we might have to fight our way out!"

"Well, we've been in one brawl already," Craig said casually, shrugging his shoulders. "I'm two for two."

 _"Last chance!"_ Mysterion commanded to the mob. _"You guys settle down, or things get ugly!"_

"Give us Butters, then!" A random voice in the crowd shouted. The mob roared in agreement.

"Oh, geez," Butters whispered, shrinking down in the midst of the Friends, uncomfortable.

 _"Ugh, I didn't want it to come to this,"_ Mysterion groaned, annoyed. Turning to the Human Kite, he said, _"Prepare to use the laser eyes."_

By now, the mob had reached its boiling point. "Let's get 'em!" Nelly shouted, and with that, the crowd charged at Coon and Friends.

Mysterion whipped his head towards the Human Kite. _"Use the laser eyes, now!"_ He commanded.

The Human Kite flew in front of Coon and Friends and fixated his eyes on the oncoming crowd, readying himself to fire the lasers out of his eyes. Behind him, the rest of Coon and Friends prepared themselves to do battle with the angry mob.

 _"STOP!"_

Immediately, the crowd stopped in their tracks. Some of them barreled into each other, causing several kids to crash onto the ground in a heap. In front of them, Coon and Friends froze up and whipped their heads towards the source of the shout.

Their eyes landed on the new arrival, and immediately, their jaws dropped in shock.

However, nobody was more stunned than Butters.

There, standing at the open door, her face as red as her hair, was Red.

* * *

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	16. The Return of Red

_Guest: Well keep your patience in check. We're almost done here._

 _Sir Weston: Great._

 _AgostoProduction. Uh..._

* * *

The crowd was currently struggling to pick themselves up after the massive collision caused by Red's unexpected arrival. In the midst of the confusion, Red continued to stand at the door, simultaneously baffled and enraged.

"What the Hell is going on here?" She asked, her hands on her hips.

By now, some members of the mob had gathered themselves and recognized Red's presence. "Red?" Lola said, surprised to see her friend in the area. "What are you doing here?"

"I was here to have a romantic night," Red replied, somewhat annoyed. "But it seems that just isn't happening right now."

At that moment, Kevin stumbled out the door and onto the rooftops by Red's side, out of breath. "Red. . . you need to. . . slow down," He said in between breaths. He then turned around to see the mob crowded out onto the rooftops, along with Coon and Friends.

"Holy crap!" He shouted. "What's going on here?"

"That's what I want to know," Red replied. "Guys, what's going on here? Why are you covered in puke? And why are you acting like an angry mob?"

After a few moments of silence, Nelly spoke up. "It was all Butters' fault!" She accused, pointing a finger at Butters, who was still shielded by Coon and Friends. "He did something to our sweets that made us throw up in everyone's faces and beat each other up! We just want justice!"

"But it wasn't him!" The Human Kite denied.

"Of course it wasn't him!" Red said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I should know; I spent the entire evening with him!"

An awkward silence fell over the formerly angry mob. Quickly, the anger faded from everyone's faces and was replaced with confusion.

". . . What?"

"I went over to his house and picked him up before Date Night began," Red explained to everyone. "We spent the evening together. He didn't leave my sight until Kevin returned from his stupid role-play. He wouldn't have had time to screw with your sweets."

"I-It's true," Butters piped up.

The crowd was silent for a moment. "So. . . this isn't Butters' fault?" Nichole asked.

"No!" The Human Kite said, throwing his hands up in exhaustion. "It was Cartman! He filled your sweets with laxatives because he knew it would piss you off! Then he tricked you into thinking it was Butters so that he'd get away with it!"

"Wait a minute!" Token said, turning to the Human Kite. "This was Cartman's doing?"

The whole crowd gasped.

"Do you really think Butters is smart or devious enough to pull something like this off?" Toolshed asked.

At the question, the crowd fell deep in thought for a few moments. Then, a wave of embarrassment washed over them as they realized they had indeed been tricked.

"Of course Butters couldn't pull something like this off!" Red declared, shoving through the mob and walking up towards Butters. Coon and Friends immediately parted to allow her to pass.

Butters eyes widened as Red placed a hand on his shoulder. "Butters is the nicest boy in this school," She said, turning to face the rest of the mob. "He's fragile and friendly and innocent, almost to a fault. And the lot of you had better leave him alone!"

Butters' cheeks turned red. "Oh, gosh Red," He said, continuing to blush.

Kevin walked up to the two. "Hey, what's going on?" He asked. "Red?"

"Don't worry, you're still my man," Red reassured him. "But if it wasn't for Butters, I'd be in a much more miserable state tonight, so I owe him that. He kept me happy this evening."

Turning towards the blond, Red said, "Butters, you may not be my boyfriend, but you're my friend, regardless." And with that, she gave him a small peck on the cheek.

Butters' eyes widened in shock, and he covered his cheek to hide his blushing.

"Aw," A few girls in the now calm crowd said, endeared.

At that moment, everyone heard a pained groaning sound coming from the staircase, along with the sound of something heavy being dragged up the stairs. Everyone turned towards the door, and after a few moments, they saw Wendy appear, and dragging behind her was a bruised, bloody Cartman.

"What did I miss?" Wendy asked, sounding somewhat worn out, either from chasing Cartman, or handing him his ass.

"Look!" A random boy in the crowd shouted, pointing at Cartman. "There's the _real_ cause of all this!"

"Get 'em!" Nelly cried.

Immediately, the crowd roared and charged towards the already-beaten-up Cartman, ready to add to his pain, when suddenly, a voice called out, "Wait!"

The crowd halted in their advance once more and turned to the source of the voice. This time, it was none other than Toolshed.

"Guys, don't you think there's been enough hate tonight?" He asked in an exhausted tone.

The crowd stood still in confusion and humiliation.

"I mean, you guys have spent this whole evening pretty pissed off," Toolshed noted. "Granted, that was probably Cartman's fault, but-"

"No, we were pretty pissed off before that," Craig admitted. "The infected sweets was just the final straw."

"I mean, come on guys, it's supposed to be Valentine's Day," The Human Kite reminded the mob. "A time of love and caring. If you didn't come here for that, then what did you come here for?"

"The only people who were getting along were Red and Butters, and they weren't even dating," Toolshed said. "Most of you didn't even like the people you were going out with."

"That's true," Blondie admitted.

By now, most of the mob was feeling very foolish indeed.

"Guys, this shouldn't be what Valentine's Day is about," Red said to the crowd. "You shouldn't be dating people you don't care about. Valentine's is a day where you should be with the people you love, or else stuff like this is going to happen."

The crowd, slowly, seemed to be taking in the words of the small group.

"Come on, baby," Token said, extending a hand to Nichole, who quickly took it. Soon, the other couples began to rejoin in the crowd.

"You know, there's a couple hours left of the night," Lola pointed out. "This party doesn't have to end on such a dour note. What do you all say?"

The crowd voiced their agreement.

Next to Wendy, Cartman sat up, groaning in pain. "What?" He asked, baffled. "That's it? I ruin Date Night and everyone's just going to forget about it and continue partying? What the Hell, man?"

The members of Coon and Friends walked up to him. "Oh, don't think we've forgotten about _you_ ," The Human Kite said, pointing a finger at him. "In fact, I'm pretty sure we know just what to do with _you_ , indeed."

* * *

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	17. Let's Get This Party Started

_Sorry for the massive delay, folks. Got caught up in other events in my life. But anyways, final chapter up, everyone!_

* * *

About a half hour later, the South Park Elementary School gym was filled with the sounds of dancing, laughing and singing.

After everyone had gotten cleaned up and re-dressed, the couples had returned to the gym to spend the rest of the night celebrating. Granted, there wasn't much to celebrate other than things hadn't _completely_ gone to Hell, but in their minds, that was reason enough.

Everybody danced as the music box blasted away at full volume. Token and Nichole were slow dancing in the center of the gym, lost in each others warm embrace. Close by, Tweek and Craig boogied side-by-side, Clyde and Lisa clapping their hands together as the music played.

But the real center of attention was Stan and Wendy. The pair were twirling in perfect harmony in each others grip, illuminated by the disco ball that shown from above. The two stared into each others eyes with pure bliss, their prior nervousness and anxiety utterly erased. All that mattered at the moment was each other.

The Human Kite and Mysterion walked up to the pair, still in-costume. "Man, who'd have thought things would've turned out so well?" The Human Kite said, drinking a soda.

Stan briefly stopped dancing. "I know, right?" He said, rubbing his head. "I expected this night to go up in smokes but everything really pulled through in the end."

 _"Especially for me,"_ Mysterion said smugly as Heidi and Annie clung to each of his arms, utterly infatuated.

"I can't believe we're on a double-date with Mysterion," Heidi whispered to Annie.

"I know, right?" Annie replied. "I wonder if he does threesomes."

"Heck, even Fatass kind of redeemed himself tonight, too," Stan mentioned.

"Yeah, it was really nice of him to lend us that disco ball," The Human Kite said. Glancing upwards, he smugly asked, "Wouldn't you agree, Cartman?"

Hanging from the ceiling, covered in sparkling glitter, Cartman glared down at him. "This is bullshit!" He shouted down at the Human Kite. "You guys get me down from here right now or I'm calling my mom on you guys!"

"Aw, but you make such a handsome glitter ball," Wendy cooed up at him.

Cartman growled out in rage, but everyone ignored him.

Clyde walked up to the others. "So, what happened to Red and Butters?" He asked, rubbing the back of his head.

"Oh, Red said she'd figured out how to fix Butters' date problem," Wendy replied, grinning.

* * *

"Gee, Red, I really gotta thank you for letting me be your third wheel," Butters said as he, Red and Kevin hung out by the swings outside of the school.

"It was the least I could do after you single-handedly saved the night from being a complete waste," Red replied.

Kevin giggled nervously. "So, Butters, your parents were honestly going to ground you if you didn't have a date?" He asked out of curiosity.

"Yeah," Butters replied bluntly. "They're just looking out for me, you know?"

"Uh-huh," Red said, rolling her eyes. Turning to Kevin, she asked, "So, Kevin, how was the role-play?"

"Oh, it was great!" Kevin said, smiling. "I was Luke, and the other guys were Stormtroopers. And that one guy was Darth Vader, but he totally misquoted that one line. . ."

As Kevin droned on, Butters asked, "Hey Red, what happened to all of those spiked chocolates?"

A mischievous smirk appeared on Red's lips. "Oh, don't you worry," She said slyly. "I took care of it. . ."

* * *

"Hey, Stephen, you wouldn't believe what I found," Linda called out to her husband as she opened the door to their house.

"What is it, Linda?" Stephen asked as he joined his wife's side.

The blonde woman held up a small gift basket. "I found this at our doorstop," She explained. "There's a note attached. It says, 'From your son's friend'."

"Well in that case, it must be good," Stephen said, smiling. "What's in it?"

Opening up the gift basket, the two gasped in joy. "Why, it's a bunch of chocolates!" Linda said. "I wonder who got us these?"

"Whoever they are, they are very generous indeed," Stephen said, beaming. "Well honey, wouldn't want to waste a basket of good chocolates. Let's eat 'em while they're still good."

With that, the pair shut the door and returned to their house to gorge themselves on the anonymously-delivered sweets.

* * *

 _The End._


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